So I had a mini break down in front of a colleague last night. He understood but I felt awful. I still do in fact.
This depression lark is really hard to deal with.

Starting to feel guilty

So I went back to work in April when Ethan was 9 months old and have felt guilty about leaving him but until recently I've been ok with it. However the last few weeks have been tough I've been full time and have felt it hard to get someone to look after him. It is starting to feel like no one wants to have him for me whilst I work.
At the end of the day if I could afford to send him to nursery I would but my partner and myself do not earn enough to cover most bills each month let alone a big child care bill. I'm also finding myself getting short with Ethan very easily and I don't like it.
I'm running out of ideas of how to ease the stress of being a working mum.

He doesn't know me

I've been with Hayden for three years and engaged for two yet he still doesn't know me.
I was looking at Lego Harry potter for myself just as a dip in dip out kind of a game but decided against it. I don't have the time these days to brush my hair let alone play games.
Anyway he told me he brought me a gift which I received this morning. Not only is it not romantic nor my idea of a gift but it's nothing I've every shown an interest in. Sure he got me a Harry potter game but not the one I was looking at. I feel like he knows nothing about me and he doesn't try.
I'm just a little heartbroken.

Yeah I know I shouldn't be acting this way and just be grateful I got something but it's hurt me. This isn't the first time either. I have to write down what I want for Xmas or my birthday because no thought goes into it on his part.
I never thought I was hard to buy for but obviously I am.
Would it be insensitive to get rid of the game?

I'm going back to the doctors very soon. I've been diagnosed with depression but I'm convinced it's PND. The doctor dismissed it and said I couldn't possibly have it as I felt bonded with my son. However he's now nearly 14 months old and I still feel down in the dumps. I'm gonna request a different doctor I think.

So I think I may have PND. Everyone around me keeps going on to me about going to the GP to get checked but I'm scared to. It's a big thing after all. I just don't think I can confirm to myself that something may be wrong.

Unhappy birthday to me

Today is my 25th birthday and at the risk of sounding like a baby I feel as though no one has really bothered to make an effort for my birthday.
I don't like getting smellys for present. I never have. They always seem to be the most unthoughtful present you could ask for. You know the kind the general gift set full of thins you will never use. I don't take baths I prefer to shower and being a mum to a 6 month old it makes life easier. Yet I seem to have acquired two.
Then there's the presents I money, alcohol and chocolate. All things that hold no meaning.
I'm just a little disappointed that such a big birthday like 25 has just seemed t have been a big let down.

So my little man will be 20 weeks this friday. It doesn't seem possible. I still see him as that little bundle but now he's doing so much more.
We started weaning him and  Ican tell you it seems like we may have waited longer than we needed. He knows what to do. I was expecting him to maybe just eat a tiny amount but he polished off half a tin of baby food! Now I know that he is ready for it we can think about making our own food for him.
We were visited by one of Hayd's friends and his daughter last week. She is a couple of weeks off 1 and doing so much. I'm really looking forward to Ethan crawling and pulling himself up on things. I can't wait. That being said you shouldn't wish your life away.