So today is a nice bright sunny day. It's a fantastic July day outside but inside my head it's a dark, dreary day. It started out a normal day with the usual wake up curiosity of Ethan. The mr had a lay in whilst I sorted Ethan his breakfast out and I enjoyed my morning cup of coffee. Once everyone was up and fed, washed, dressed and the dog walked we went to visit my parents. Again nothing out of the ordinary. Sunday in this house is family visiting day.  We had fun. My sister made some loom bands (she broke her foot so needs something to occupy her whilst she's off work), my nan got baby snuggles and the mr helped my dad move a washing machine. We left to have dinner at the in laws.
Not my favourite I must be honest but something that must be done. It was here that it struck me. That little thing in my mind that sits there day in and day out that likes to poke me every now and again telling me I'm worthless, you're no good. The thing scratching at me until I take notice. I thought the defences were strong but it broke through. It hit me hard all of a sudden. I don't know why but it did. I don't know why I suddenly felt down or even why I felt down. It felt like I was two different people. The person I was this morning was there screaming to be let out again but the dark mood wouldn't let me. I couldn't open my mouth to talk to anyone apart from a few words. I probably looked like I was being anti social when in reality the words were being held back.
I've always tried to cope and most of the time I've been able to keep a smile on my face in public and around people who don't really understand how bad it is. Today the mask slipped. I couldn't hold it. The mr asked me what's wrong but truthfully I couldn't tell him why I felt like the way I did. I didn't know myself so trying to explain what's up to someone who doesn't understand is really hard. Maybe I need some help. I've tried tablets before but I did not like the way they made me feel. Maybe I need to seek some help because I don't know how much more I can take before I crack.