Depression in my words

People keep commenting that I look down and asking what's up? How can I tell them that there isn't really anything "up" but I'm finding it hard to cope.

Depression doesn't want you to get out of bed in the morning. Every morning I wake up and I don't want to get out of bed. Not because I'm tired just that I can't get out of bed. I know that the day will hold all the same things yesterday brought. I find it hard to face the day. The only thing that usually gets me through is Ethan. He's the one reason I get up in the morning. I can't let him down.
I work evenings most of the time and being taken away from my son tears my heart in two. I've been back at work since last April but the feeling hasn't subsided. If anything it's got worse.

Depression is like a big black hole that keeps sucking you in. It's not as simple as just "snapping out" of it. Which I have been told to do by several people. It makes me feel worse as I can't break out of the mood. I find it harder to cope at work than at home. I just can't seem to keep the mask up for long whilst at work and I find it slipping. I usually just go and hide for a bit. (I work in a cinema so this makes it easier.) However I know a few people think I'm being antisocial or even lazy but it's just because I can't bear to be around people and bring them down too.

I've been on medication but I didn't think they helped.

I've told a few people but most don't understand and try to offer advice. Advice that isn't helpful. I'm grateful that they try but if you don't suffer or know someone who suffers from depression there's not really anything anyone can say.

Decisions to be made

The lil man is now 18 months old (1st Jan) and the time has come to talk about having another little one. I've got some concerns though.

How will I cope with two children? Will I be able to bond with a second as much as I managed to bond with Eth? I have passed my driving test. Will this get in the way? How will I manage to potty train Eth and cope with a newborn?

What if my PND becomes worse and I can't cope?
This is my main concern. It's bad enough when Eth catches me crying and wipes my tears away. It should be I who wipes the tears from his face not the other way round. His face is full of concern when he sees me crying and most of the time I do it when he's not around but sometimes it just takes over.

H has no concerns. He wants to be a dad again. I wish I had his confidence and didn't worry about any of this.

Don't get me wrong I would love a sibling for Eth. I've always wanted two kids but how can I get over my fears?

So far down

It's returned. I've never officially be diagnosed with PND but I'm pretty sure I have it. My dad suffers from depression and so did my mum. She was even admitted to a mental health ward for a little bit. I went to the doctors nearly 9 months ago and told him I think I may have post natal depression but he just fobbed me off and said that because I feel bonded with my son then I don't and stop being so silly.
I've considered changing doctors as I was really happy with the way he just seemed to want to get me out of there.
The truth is I have so many similar symptoms as PND that it seems obvious to me that I am actually suffering from it.
I had a difficult birth. I was induced on the Wednesday morning at 7am and in labour from about midday but Ethan wasn't born until Friday morning at 5:37 am. He was delivered by ventouse and I was in quite bad shape. They were prepping surgery for me. All this I found out afterwards. I can't fault the midwife but as far as the hospital went I was very disappointed.
Anyway we were allowed to go home on the Friday at 2pm. No one came to see me I had to beg for someone to come and check up on me. All this and it was my first baby! The care defiantly wasn't there.
Ethan is now 17 months old and yes I have bonded with him, he's my best buddy, but I just don't feel right. People have commented on how I'm not the same person as I used to be. I'm down, irritable and just not the same Jenny I was before I had him. I find it hard to get up in the mornings. It takes a lot of effort to do anything. Well anything that doesn't involve Ethan. He's my life.
His dad and I are together but sometimes I consider leaving him just because I constantly hurt him.

I'm so far down I can't see daylight anymore.

So I had a mini break down in front of a colleague last night. He understood but I felt awful. I still do in fact.
This depression lark is really hard to deal with.

Starting to feel guilty

So I went back to work in April when Ethan was 9 months old and have felt guilty about leaving him but until recently I've been ok with it. However the last few weeks have been tough I've been full time and have felt it hard to get someone to look after him. It is starting to feel like no one wants to have him for me whilst I work.
At the end of the day if I could afford to send him to nursery I would but my partner and myself do not earn enough to cover most bills each month let alone a big child care bill. I'm also finding myself getting short with Ethan very easily and I don't like it.
I'm running out of ideas of how to ease the stress of being a working mum.

He doesn't know me

I've been with Hayden for three years and engaged for two yet he still doesn't know me.
I was looking at Lego Harry potter for myself just as a dip in dip out kind of a game but decided against it. I don't have the time these days to brush my hair let alone play games.
Anyway he told me he brought me a gift which I received this morning. Not only is it not romantic nor my idea of a gift but it's nothing I've every shown an interest in. Sure he got me a Harry potter game but not the one I was looking at. I feel like he knows nothing about me and he doesn't try.
I'm just a little heartbroken.

Yeah I know I shouldn't be acting this way and just be grateful I got something but it's hurt me. This isn't the first time either. I have to write down what I want for Xmas or my birthday because no thought goes into it on his part.
I never thought I was hard to buy for but obviously I am.
Would it be insensitive to get rid of the game?

I'm going back to the doctors very soon. I've been diagnosed with depression but I'm convinced it's PND. The doctor dismissed it and said I couldn't possibly have it as I felt bonded with my son. However he's now nearly 14 months old and I still feel down in the dumps. I'm gonna request a different doctor I think.