Holiday and school run snootiness

We go on holiday on Monday. I'm so stressed about it. It will only be for four days but the kids will need more than four changes of clothes in case of accidents. It's going to look like we are moving home with the amount of stuff we will have to take. Then there's getting the family up ready to be out the door in the early morning. I might just send them off without me so I get a bit of a break. I am looking forward to our first holiday in four years, ice creams on the beach and fish and chips. I'm looking forward to sand castles and even the high chance of rain. Let's face it we're going to Wales it's going to rain. I'm not really looking forward to sharing a caravan with the in-laws though. I'm going to feel like I'm on holiday with my parents and I'm a kid again. I hope the good things will out weigh this little issue.

The little girl turns three months old on Sunday. I don't understand where the time has gone. She's just about bursting out of her 0-3 range of clothes but thats ok because shes got some really nice outfits for 3-6 months and I can't wait to see her in them. This holiday will be her first time in a pool. So I hope she loves the water just as much as Eth does.
This will also be the first time I will be wearing a swimsuit since before I fell pregnant last year. I'm not usually a self conscious person but for some reason it's really starting to bother me. What if I just look repulsive? I keep being told that its silly to feel such a way but for some reason after having Helana I've become a bit more self conscious. Pregnancy changes the body in ways you can't imagine. Some aren't physical many are mental.

I've had to rebook for my tattoo as my understanding of when we would be back home from our holiday was wrong. I thought we were back on the Thursday even when in fact it won't be until the Friday evening. So instead of coming home from holiday and getting a new tattoo I know have to wait until the following week. I'm a little disappointed but none the less excited. The Mr now wants a tattoo. However the design he wants would be a two day sitting and cost him £230. I think he was shocked by how much it would cost. He keeps asking me how bad the pain is and as I keep explaining it differs for everyone. He doesn't seem to handle getting hit in the face by the lil man well so I'm not sure he'd be able to handle it. I'd be there to support him though none the less.

The lady that made Ethan's birthday cake has been a family friend for years and is my step-mum's old boss.

We did not get it until the day after Ethan's birthday as my sister's trip to A&E caused a bit of a delay but none the less we had one happy boy when he saw it. On the plus side it gave him a chance to celebrate his birthday over two days.

Ethan enjoyed his second day at school.  Again he went in without a hug or kiss just walked straight into the classroom and had to be told by one of the teaching assistants to say goodbye. He also didn't want to come home. I had to pick him up and leave. I'm glad he's like that and not upset about being left. As of September he will be attending school three hours a day for five days a week. I'm positive he will settle in well. I expieranced a bit of mum snootiness at the school gate when I dropped Ethan off. I don't know why mum's feel they have to look down on other mum's surely we should be looking out for one another. Sure everyone judges but please keep it to yourselves. Besides who said I wanted to join your little group. I grew out of that when I left school.

I've brought Helana's outfit for the wedding next September already. I couldn't resist. As soon as I saw it I knew it was the right one. I've also started buying bits for Ethan's. The kids are easy to buy for. They only get taller unlike us who get wider if we aren't careful.
The wedding dress trying on went really well. It fit perfectly. No alterations needed just a little bit of customization. Can't wait to try it on again in September. I've even seen the perfect shoes.

The Mr asked me last night how I was feeling. What he meant was do I feel anywhere as depressed as I did after having Ethan. The truth is no. I don't. I know it's still early days and yes there are days where I feel I could shut the door and go sit in the garden until both kids calmed down but I don't have the days where there is nothing but black clouds hanging over me. I still occassionally snap and we end up fighting with each other but I think the Mr understands much better this time around. He usually just lets me get on with it until I calm down enough and apploigise. We're working through it.

I originally started writing it to help ease the boredom and post natal depression I was suffering when I had my son. Now I don't really see the point in carrying on writing it. I don't feel the same way I did back then. I don't feel depressed on the same level I did back then however I still feel depressed. I will not be going back on any antidepressants but I need a way to cope. Unfortunately I'm stuck in a rut. I didn't drive when I had my son but I do now however I rarely have my car because the other half is always pinching it to go to work. So I'm stuck in when the weather is rubbish which is most of the time. None of my friends have children so I feel a little excluded from most things. I am grateful for my children and that I had them in my early 20's but it also meant I feel like I put my life on hold to have them. Originally I was going to go off to university and experience that part of life but things got put on hold and then I met H. Then of course I didn't want to go anywhere. I'd had previous relationships but none on the same level as how he made me feel. I couldn't stop thinking about him (still can't 5 years on), he made me laugh like no one else, I could act like myself around him and he was just the best person. Things got serious quite quickly and we got engaged a year after we started dating and a month after the engagement we found out we were expecting our son. Then after he was born post natal depression hit and our lives were turned upside down. I wasn't the same person. I was overly protective of the little one to the point I didn't like anyone having him, I was always short tempered and snapped at H on a regular basis, I barely slept and we very nearly split up because of it. It's a funny thing, PND, it sort of creeps up on you. Everyone tells you the reason you feel these things is because you're a new mum and experiencing the 'baby blues' it's so much more than a hormonal imbalance for those first few days after birth. It takes over your life. It almost possesses you, it pushes the person you were aside and in your place a monster takes over. It's not something overly discussed. It's almost brushed over at anti natal appointments. Once you mention you suffered with PND after your pregnancy people start discussing it and the amount of people that have suffered with it is unbelievable. It is a secret illness that needs to be out in the open more. I felt ashamed to have suffered with it. I believe I still suffer with it but I have found ways to cope better with it. I'm not sure you actually ever get over it. I feel it stays with you and you don't necessarily get the old you back but you learn to enjoy life more and ways of letting the smallest things not bother you so much. I still have 'relapses' where something H does will set me off but before where I would hold a grudge for hours I will now say to myself "Stop it. If only you could see how silly you are being." It works. I'm scared of getting 'sick' again but I just hope that if it did happen I'd be able to come out the other side smiling.