I originally started writing it to help ease the boredom and post natal depression I was suffering when I had my son. Now I don't really see the point in carrying on writing it. I don't feel the same way I did back then. I don't feel depressed on the same level I did back then however I still feel depressed. I will not be going back on any antidepressants but I need a way to cope. Unfortunately I'm stuck in a rut. I didn't drive when I had my son but I do now however I rarely have my car because the other half is always pinching it to go to work. So I'm stuck in when the weather is rubbish which is most of the time. None of my friends have children so I feel a little excluded from most things. I am grateful for my children and that I had them in my early 20's but it also meant I feel like I put my life on hold to have them. Originally I was going to go off to university and experience that part of life but things got put on hold and then I met H. Then of course I didn't want to go anywhere. I'd had previous relationships but none on the same level as how he made me feel. I couldn't stop thinking about him (still can't 5 years on), he made me laugh like no one else, I could act like myself around him and he was just the best person. Things got serious quite quickly and we got engaged a year after we started dating and a month after the engagement we found out we were expecting our son. Then after he was born post natal depression hit and our lives were turned upside down. I wasn't the same person. I was overly protective of the little one to the point I didn't like anyone having him, I was always short tempered and snapped at H on a regular basis, I barely slept and we very nearly split up because of it. It's a funny thing, PND, it sort of creeps up on you. Everyone tells you the reason you feel these things is because you're a new mum and experiencing the 'baby blues' it's so much more than a hormonal imbalance for those first few days after birth. It takes over your life. It almost possesses you, it pushes the person you were aside and in your place a monster takes over. It's not something overly discussed. It's almost brushed over at anti natal appointments. Once you mention you suffered with PND after your pregnancy people start discussing it and the amount of people that have suffered with it is unbelievable. It is a secret illness that needs to be out in the open more. I felt ashamed to have suffered with it. I believe I still suffer with it but I have found ways to cope better with it. I'm not sure you actually ever get over it. I feel it stays with you and you don't necessarily get the old you back but you learn to enjoy life more and ways of letting the smallest things not bother you so much. I still have 'relapses' where something H does will set me off but before where I would hold a grudge for hours I will now say to myself "Stop it. If only you could see how silly you are being." It works. I'm scared of getting 'sick' again but I just hope that if it did happen I'd be able to come out the other side smiling.