Busy times and being myself

Eth is going to be three on Tuesday! It's crazy how fast time is going. I look at his sister and I can't believe he has gone from that small and relying on me for everything to the independent little boy he is now. He's not a baby anymore and as he keeps telling me "he's a big boy". For a birthday treat we brought him a couple of goldfish which he named Nemo and Fishy. He is absolutely over the moon with them. I mean we already have a dog and a cat but the goldfish are his favourite at the moment as they are his and only his. They live on the side in his room in the scooby doo tank which he chose himself. 

(Nemo is the very bright orange one and Fishy is the orange and White one. )

So tomorrow (Monday) Eth has his stay and play place at nursery. I can stay with him for the two hours but I'm starting to think it would be better to drop him off and come back later. Maybe I could use the time for some mother and daughter bonding or even take a trip into town to pick up some last minute birthday things for him. I thought is be much sadder to see my little boy go off to nursery but instead I can't wait for the break three hours a day will give me. Most likely shed a tear though when I drop him off. 

It's funny since becoming a mummy I cry much more often then I did before. Not even at times when I'm upset. Sometimes just because I'm so proud of something the kids have done. Maybe it's because even though I've always worn my heart on my sleeve since I bece a mummy my emotions are much nearer to the surface. 

Helana has her second lot of injections tomorrow. I always feel sorry for the babies when they start having injections. It's necessary of course but they look upon you as their world and trust you so deeply that as soon as the needle pierces their skin they have a look that makes me feel I've let them down. However after a few seconds of screaming and a cuddle they're fine again. 

Well I've had my wedding dress for a while now and today I'm finally going to put it on. When Hayden proposed to me (four years ago this September) I knew what sort of dress I wanted. So when I saw one going at a fantastic price I snapped it straight up. I was luckily enough when I was pregnant that the only weight I gained was Helana and all baby related (proved at the 8 week check up). Completely different story with Eth however. Throught out this pregnancy I was still wearing my jeans from before I got pregnant. In fact I was the same size apart from just having to buy a couple of maternity tops. Anyway I went a little off topic there but the most important thing is I'm trying my dress on today! My sister and stepmum are coming over to help me out. Unfortunately the mum in law can't make it as she had previously made plans. I've already seen some shoes I really want to go with it. 

Neither of us are very traditional so the wedding won't be too traditional. 

The rings came on Tuesday. They are perfect. Hand made, unique and just what we wanted. In fact, H wants to wear his now but of course I told him he can't. It might seem like we've got a lot done when we aren't getting married until next September but to us it made sense to get things while we see them. That way next year there won't be too many big things to do. September is already going to be stressful enough with Eth starting school full time. 

Talking of weddings, I'm now able to go away with H in October to see him be the best man for his brother at his wedding. My parents are very nicely going to have the children for the 4 days we are away so I don't have to pull Eth out of nursery. I also don't think a 6 month old would do too well on a plane. Especially with the amount of stuff you have to take anywhere for a baby. 

I'm already stressed out about the amount of stuff we're going have to take away with us for a four day trip to wales next week. 

I'm finally going to be getting my next tattoo very soon. I've already got two and have wanted another one for ages but something has always seemed to get in the way. H isn't so keen on me having another one but at the end of the day it's my body and I had my tattoos before he met me so he knew what he was getting himself into. I think maybe he worries what people we say. He says he's not bothered but sometimes I think he worries over silly things. I'm not bothered if people don't like it, it's the person who I am so why hide it. I feel like I can't always be the true me especially around his parents but why should I hide? His mum describes me as liking 'dark things'. I don't even know what that means.  Besides after having Helana I feel now is the right time to get another one. This is the sort of design I want but not exactly the same.

I've asked the artist to tweak it a bit so it fits in with my others. I'm don't usually like tattoos to represent your kids but this just seemed perfect to me. One is going to be coloured blue, one pink and the one in the middle purple. Mummy bird and her two babies. :)

A few busy and exciting months ahead. 

Time moves so quickly

We were invited up to the school where Ethan will be attending nursery from September. It's such a nice little school. More like a village school compared to a school situated right in the middle of town. There will only be 19 children in his class so nice and quiet with plenty of one on one time. The only thing I worry about is Ethan becoming bored very quickly. They said they teach the kids to count to 20 and learn social skills among other things. Well Ethan has always been very sociable and can already count to 12. I was worried with him being at home with me most of the time that he wouldn't interact very well with other children but it seems I was wrong to be worried. The other day at the park he ditched his grandad and went over to a little girl 2 years his senior, took her hand and spent the rest of the time walking around holding hands with her. Such a little Romeo. It's just a shame his best mate moved away. 

I'm looking forward to Ethan going to nursery 3 hours a day not just for him but for myself. I'm in the right frame of mind to go to mother and baby groups this time around. This will give me some time to go and make some mummy friends :). 

So H and I are celebrating our 5th anniversary this weekend. It doesn't seem like we've been together that long. Usually I much more prepared and would of brought his gift weeks ago but with the arrival of the little one I'm a little bit disorganised. I don't even know what to buy for him. Luckily he's off for a few days so I can vanish for a couple of hours and nip into town and try to find something. We are child free Saturday so we can really celebrate. I might take him to the manor house where they filmed some of batman as he's a massive batman fan. Failing that maybe just a wander around with a bit of shopping thrown in. 

When you're younger and your parents tell you not to wish your life away because time moves so fast you don't believe them. However when you grow up and have your own children you realise just how true it is. One moment they are a baby and rely on you for everything the next they are running off and leaving you behind. Not that it's anything to be too sad about. 

Wow! The invites have all been sent out in the post. Evening invites were posted by the lovely other half this morning on his way to work. 

I can't believe it everything has been sent out. We've already had a few RSVP's. Amazing! 

I get so excited when I think about it and a bit teary. Just so overwhelming. 

I am now able to go to the brother in law and future sister in law's wedding in October. Yay! My wonderful parents are going to have the children so we don't have to take Ethan out of nursery and disrupt him settling in. I'm so happy I get to be there for them and also to see H be his brother's best man. 

Speaking of Ethan he now uses the toilet!  I'm so proud he's only been using the potty since Saturday and now he's using the toilet and wearing big boy pants! I can't believe he has taken to it so well. I thought we'd never crack potty training and he's not 3 until next month! Super proud mummy. 

Potty training

We started to give potty training another go when we got in from town Saturday morning. We'd tried a few times before but Eth always had a meltdown as soon as you mentioned the word 'potty'. This time was no different. As soon as the nappy was off and he was presented with the potty he had a 45 minute meltdown. Eventually we got him to calm down and left him to it. We kept asking if he needed a wee and each time it was a no. Then out of nowhere he started crossing his legs so again we asked him if he needed a wee and pointed to the potty. He went over and missed to begin with but managed to get the rest of it into the potty. Success!! From then on he would go and sit down and have a wee each time we asked him. By the end of the day he was starting to take himself to the potty without us asking. Sunday we had a meltdown again but by the end of he day he was again taking himself over and having a wee. Today (Monday) I've barely had to ask him if he needed to go. He's gone on his own (one accident) and he even managed to have a poo on it! Amazing! I am such a proud mummy right now. If only someone would give me a sweetie when I went to the toilet. 

Slight side note. Things are looking great with the photographer for the wedding and the day invites are in the post :)

The little girl is growing fantastically and her eye is being sorted after being passed around several times and told to wait for her 8 week check up it turned out she needed antibiotics since day 1. 

I originally started writing it to help ease the boredom and post natal depression I was suffering when I had my son. Now I don't really see the point in carrying on writing it. I don't feel the same way I did back then. I don't feel depressed on the same level I did back then however I still feel depressed. I will not be going back on any antidepressants but I need a way to cope. Unfortunately I'm stuck in a rut. I didn't drive when I had my son but I do now however I rarely have my car because the other half is always pinching it to go to work. So I'm stuck in when the weather is rubbish which is most of the time. None of my friends have children so I feel a little excluded from most things. I am grateful for my children and that I had them in my early 20's but it also meant I feel like I put my life on hold to have them. Originally I was going to go off to university and experience that part of life but things got put on hold and then I met H. Then of course I didn't want to go anywhere. I'd had previous relationships but none on the same level as how he made me feel. I couldn't stop thinking about him (still can't 5 years on), he made me laugh like no one else, I could act like myself around him and he was just the best person. Things got serious quite quickly and we got engaged a year after we started dating and a month after the engagement we found out we were expecting our son. Then after he was born post natal depression hit and our lives were turned upside down. I wasn't the same person. I was overly protective of the little one to the point I didn't like anyone having him, I was always short tempered and snapped at H on a regular basis, I barely slept and we very nearly split up because of it. It's a funny thing, PND, it sort of creeps up on you. Everyone tells you the reason you feel these things is because you're a new mum and experiencing the 'baby blues' it's so much more than a hormonal imbalance for those first few days after birth. It takes over your life. It almost possesses you, it pushes the person you were aside and in your place a monster takes over. It's not something overly discussed. It's almost brushed over at anti natal appointments. Once you mention you suffered with PND after your pregnancy people start discussing it and the amount of people that have suffered with it is unbelievable. It is a secret illness that needs to be out in the open more. I felt ashamed to have suffered with it. I believe I still suffer with it but I have found ways to cope better with it. I'm not sure you actually ever get over it. I feel it stays with you and you don't necessarily get the old you back but you learn to enjoy life more and ways of letting the smallest things not bother you so much. I still have 'relapses' where something H does will set me off but before where I would hold a grudge for hours I will now say to myself "Stop it. If only you could see how silly you are being." It works. I'm scared of getting 'sick' again but I just hope that if it did happen I'd be able to come out the other side smiling.

Peace and quiet

All I can hear at the moment is the neighbour mowing her grass and the washing machine on its spin cycle. It's so peaceful because my sister and her fella have taken Eth out into town while I took the lil lady for her first set of jabs. I can't believe she's already 8 weeks old! 

I've been trying to keep busy with wedding planning but I find it almost unsettling when my little man isn't at home. I'm so used to him saying "mummy" and not wanting anything (I think he does it sometimes to just to wind me up)

I guess this is what it going to be like when he starts nursery in September. Oh how many things I'm going to be able to get on with. I'll be able to catch up on my reading and blogging and just general relaxing.