I originally started writing it to help ease the boredom and post natal depression I was suffering when I had my son. Now I don't really see the point in carrying on writing it. I don't feel the same way I did back then. I don't feel depressed on the same level I did back then however I still feel depressed. I will not be going back on any antidepressants but I need a way to cope. Unfortunately I'm stuck in a rut. I didn't drive when I had my son but I do now however I rarely have my car because the other half is always pinching it to go to work. So I'm stuck in when the weather is rubbish which is most of the time. None of my friends have children so I feel a little excluded from most things. I am grateful for my children and that I had them in my early 20's but it also meant I feel like I put my life on hold to have them. Originally I was going to go off to university and experience that part of life but things got put on hold and then I met H. Then of course I didn't want to go anywhere. I'd had previous relationships but none on the same level as how he made me feel. I couldn't stop thinking about him (still can't 5 years on), he made me laugh like no one else, I could act like myself around him and he was just the best person. Things got serious quite quickly and we got engaged a year after we started dating and a month after the engagement we found out we were expecting our son. Then after he was born post natal depression hit and our lives were turned upside down. I wasn't the same person. I was overly protective of the little one to the point I didn't like anyone having him, I was always short tempered and snapped at H on a regular basis, I barely slept and we very nearly split up because of it. It's a funny thing, PND, it sort of creeps up on you. Everyone tells you the reason you feel these things is because you're a new mum and experiencing the 'baby blues' it's so much more than a hormonal imbalance for those first few days after birth. It takes over your life. It almost possesses you, it pushes the person you were aside and in your place a monster takes over. It's not something overly discussed. It's almost brushed over at anti natal appointments. Once you mention you suffered with PND after your pregnancy people start discussing it and the amount of people that have suffered with it is unbelievable. It is a secret illness that needs to be out in the open more. I felt ashamed to have suffered with it. I believe I still suffer with it but I have found ways to cope better with it. I'm not sure you actually ever get over it. I feel it stays with you and you don't necessarily get the old you back but you learn to enjoy life more and ways of letting the smallest things not bother you so much. I still have 'relapses' where something H does will set me off but before where I would hold a grudge for hours I will now say to myself "Stop it. If only you could see how silly you are being." It works. I'm scared of getting 'sick' again but I just hope that if it did happen I'd be able to come out the other side smiling.

Peace and quiet

All I can hear at the moment is the neighbour mowing her grass and the washing machine on its spin cycle. It's so peaceful because my sister and her fella have taken Eth out into town while I took the lil lady for her first set of jabs. I can't believe she's already 8 weeks old! 

I've been trying to keep busy with wedding planning but I find it almost unsettling when my little man isn't at home. I'm so used to him saying "mummy" and not wanting anything (I think he does it sometimes to just to wind me up)

I guess this is what it going to be like when he starts nursery in September. Oh how many things I'm going to be able to get on with. I'll be able to catch up on my reading and blogging and just general relaxing. 

New baby and wedding planning!

Its been a very long time since I updated. I've now had the baby and she is already 8 weeks old (this Sunday). 

Time has really flown by. I can still remember when we found out we were expecting again. It was an ok pregnancy. I didn't get a chance to rest up like I did when I was pregnant with the oldest. Having a toddler and being pregnant was not fun at all. I occasionally got a nap in when he was watching toy story or cars. (Can you say obsessed?) 

I worked up until I was 8 months. It was hard. I was ready to start my maternity leave towards the end. I was so uncomfortable and we didn't have a carefree pregnancy. 

At 14 weeks I suffered a really heavy bleed and after calling the midwife and being passed around back and forth we eventually got an appointment. We rushed up there toddler trailing behind to be told that at 14 weeks there is nothing they can do and if it's what nature wants then it will happen. Not the most encouraging information. However the midwife tried to find a heartbeat with the Doppler and thankfully she did! We were so relived. 

Then at a midwife appointment towards the end of the pregnancy we mentioned that we hadn't felt the baby move much in the past 24 hours and we were rushed up to the hospital to be put on a monitor. Thankfully as soon as they started charting her movements she wouldn't stop moving! We were so happy although maybe left feeling a little silly. They were really nice about it and told us not to worry as that's why they're there. 

I went overdue and had to be induced (something I was dreading) but after fearing another 3 day labour it only took 8 hours from being put on the drip until she arrived. There was even a trainee midwife who helped deliver (and I might of held on tight to) who I had known since she was at least 5 as she was in my sister's year at school. 

So on the 6th April 2014 we became a family of 4. 

 

After we registered the latest addition to the family it really hit home that we didn't share the same name. In the hospital and for several days after she had the same last name as me. It felt amazing but as soon as the birth certificate was signed she became someone else. This is when I realised it was time I stopped dragging my feet and started planning our wedding we'd put on hold 4 years ago. Considering it is not quite June yet (will be on Sunday) we've managed to secure a venue for both the ceremony and reception, book the registrar, buy my dress, order the rings, order the invites and book a meeting with a photographer! I'm impressed with us especially as it's been fitting it in around feeding the kids, changing bums and feeding myself. I have to admit the last one has taken a back seat on occasion. 

The wedding isn't even until next September! I've even got my eye on a bouquet I like that isn't traditional and I can buy now. Thankfully I'm a very organised person so it's pretty easy to sort things doesn't mean I'm not getting stressed out though. 

Great news

Well it didn't take long. I'm pregnant! About 1-2 weeks. 

I've been taking tests on and off for a while as I was a little impatient to say the least. All were negative until last night. I don't know what made me take a test and to be honest I was expecting to see the one line but was surprised when two lines appeared. I took another two after just to make sure. All the same result, positive! 

Wow!

We've only been trying for a month and here we are. We are very lucky. I was in it for the long haul. 

I slept on it and decided to take another test this morning just to make sure I didn't dream it. Nope it's was there clear as day. Pregnant. They were early tests so I knew I was only very early gone so we brought a clear blue digital test with conception indicator and there on the digital screen were the words, pregnant, 1-2 weeks. 

I can't believe it. 

2 years gone by

So Ethan turned two yesterday. I know people always say time flies etc but in truth it does.I spent most of yesterday looking on in amazement that my baby has now grown into a independent toddler who loves nothing more than going off exploring.

He was born after a 3 day labour. Yes I was in labour for 3 days! The medical team were starting to get worried and there was talk of being rushed down to theatre if he didn't arrive soon. The midwife who delivered Ethan had stayed over her shift so she could be there to see him brought into the world safely. Thankfully I didn't need a c-section and instead he was born via vontouse at 5:37am.

We celebrated by taking him for a explore around our local national forest centre. I can happily say he enjoyed himself and as a result slept for 13 and a half hours last night.

Now here's the big thing. We're trying for another baby. It's only been a week but I'm starting to get stressed out about it. We aren't taking temperatures or anything like that but instead we're doing it the old fashioned way and letting nature take its course. It's just a lot of pressure once you start trying.  Kind of takes the fun out of things. It was so easy when we conceived Ethan. Here's hoping I'll have some good news soon.

Growing so fast

So the little man will be two years old in just over two months.
Where has the time gone? It only feels like yesterday when he was born. Now he is so independent and clever. I know I'm biased but considering his age he is already talking and forming sentences. He's in to everything which brings on the tantrums. Yes he's reached the terrible twos early.
He can be very testing sometimes especially as I work evenings and have him all day I can sometimes have a bit of a short temper. However we always make up and have a bit of a cuddle after we've clashed. Problem is we are very similar.

As he is very nearly two we are thinking about having another. Both H and I grew up with siblings and we want that for our son. Is it easier than everyone thinks to raise two or is it just as exhausting as it seems? Some days I just want to lay on the sofa and let him get on with it. This is down to my depression but the truth is I don't and we play together and it's great.

He's my shining light.

So...

I've not blogged recently but due to working loads and having a VERY active toddler I've had no time to think let alone to myself.
I'm still pretty down in the dumps with my depression but I'm trying to tackle the things that really set it off. For example my job, I don't enjoy it and the pay is awful. So I'm looking for a new one. However we are thinking about trying for a second baby which would mean if I swapped jobs I would not be entitled to maternity leave. So I'm considering sticking my current job out then moving on after I return to work.
I drive now so this makes future job prospects brighter.

I can't say Eth's dad and my relationship is perfect. There are some cracks but we are both trying really hard to fix them and not just 'smooth' over them. Date nights are really important but trying to find the time is harder than expected. Weekends are the only possible time we have but sometimes finding someone to have the little man can be hard. Hmm if only there was a magic fix.