So far down

It's returned. I've never officially be diagnosed with PND but I'm pretty sure I have it. My dad suffers from depression and so did my mum. She was even admitted to a mental health ward for a little bit. I went to the doctors nearly 9 months ago and told him I think I may have post natal depression but he just fobbed me off and said that because I feel bonded with my son then I don't and stop being so silly.
I've considered changing doctors as I was really happy with the way he just seemed to want to get me out of there.
The truth is I have so many similar symptoms as PND that it seems obvious to me that I am actually suffering from it.
I had a difficult birth. I was induced on the Wednesday morning at 7am and in labour from about midday but Ethan wasn't born until Friday morning at 5:37 am. He was delivered by ventouse and I was in quite bad shape. They were prepping surgery for me. All this I found out afterwards. I can't fault the midwife but as far as the hospital went I was very disappointed.
Anyway we were allowed to go home on the Friday at 2pm. No one came to see me I had to beg for someone to come and check up on me. All this and it was my first baby! The care defiantly wasn't there.
Ethan is now 17 months old and yes I have bonded with him, he's my best buddy, but I just don't feel right. People have commented on how I'm not the same person as I used to be. I'm down, irritable and just not the same Jenny I was before I had him. I find it hard to get up in the mornings. It takes a lot of effort to do anything. Well anything that doesn't involve Ethan. He's my life.
His dad and I are together but sometimes I consider leaving him just because I constantly hurt him.

I'm so far down I can't see daylight anymore.

So I had a mini break down in front of a colleague last night. He understood but I felt awful. I still do in fact.
This depression lark is really hard to deal with.

Starting to feel guilty

So I went back to work in April when Ethan was 9 months old and have felt guilty about leaving him but until recently I've been ok with it. However the last few weeks have been tough I've been full time and have felt it hard to get someone to look after him. It is starting to feel like no one wants to have him for me whilst I work.
At the end of the day if I could afford to send him to nursery I would but my partner and myself do not earn enough to cover most bills each month let alone a big child care bill. I'm also finding myself getting short with Ethan very easily and I don't like it.
I'm running out of ideas of how to ease the stress of being a working mum.

He doesn't know me

I've been with Hayden for three years and engaged for two yet he still doesn't know me.
I was looking at Lego Harry potter for myself just as a dip in dip out kind of a game but decided against it. I don't have the time these days to brush my hair let alone play games.
Anyway he told me he brought me a gift which I received this morning. Not only is it not romantic nor my idea of a gift but it's nothing I've every shown an interest in. Sure he got me a Harry potter game but not the one I was looking at. I feel like he knows nothing about me and he doesn't try.
I'm just a little heartbroken.

Yeah I know I shouldn't be acting this way and just be grateful I got something but it's hurt me. This isn't the first time either. I have to write down what I want for Xmas or my birthday because no thought goes into it on his part.
I never thought I was hard to buy for but obviously I am.
Would it be insensitive to get rid of the game?

I'm going back to the doctors very soon. I've been diagnosed with depression but I'm convinced it's PND. The doctor dismissed it and said I couldn't possibly have it as I felt bonded with my son. However he's now nearly 14 months old and I still feel down in the dumps. I'm gonna request a different doctor I think.

So I think I may have PND. Everyone around me keeps going on to me about going to the GP to get checked but I'm scared to. It's a big thing after all. I just don't think I can confirm to myself that something may be wrong.

Unhappy birthday to me

Today is my 25th birthday and at the risk of sounding like a baby I feel as though no one has really bothered to make an effort for my birthday.
I don't like getting smellys for present. I never have. They always seem to be the most unthoughtful present you could ask for. You know the kind the general gift set full of thins you will never use. I don't take baths I prefer to shower and being a mum to a 6 month old it makes life easier. Yet I seem to have acquired two.
Then there's the presents I money, alcohol and chocolate. All things that hold no meaning.
I'm just a little disappointed that such a big birthday like 25 has just seemed t have been a big let down.