Ramblings

I've been thinking about going to see a medium recently. I don't know if I really believe in that side of things. I wouldn't be going to try to contact someone or even to try to find out what the future holds but instead just to experience it. I've known of a few around the local area but never had the guys to go. At the weekend I saw that a place has opened up right I the centre of town and I'm thinking of making an appointment.
It got me thinking about the times I've experienced something I couldn't rationally explain. I've seen a figure of a woman at my current place of work. That scared the life out of me and since then I've always found a way of refusing to go back to the place it happened on my own. I've also heard a woman in the bedroom say "hello". It felt like she was right up to my face. It wasn't just me who heard it though. The mr also heard it. It wasn't a toy going off because we tried every thing to debunk it.  I'm sure we have a 'extra' living in the house. Sometimes when I'm on my own I feel like there's someone keeping me company. Ethan as a baby used to 'talk' to someone who wasn't there and now Helana has started. Ethan has also greeted someone at the top of the stairs by waving and saying hello.
There's been times when I was growing up that I had some strange things happen. I've always experienced déjà vu (I still do). I've heard voices calling me before when I was younger.
My dad used to be a huge believer and I suppose in a way I was brought up to believe it myself but as I got a bit older I grew out of it and didn't believe but it seems I'm starting to believe again.

The mr has been off for the past two days as he starts a 7 day working week this morning. Is like to say it was filled with lots of exciting things but it wasn't. Instead it was filled with DIY. We started to finish decorating our bedroom a year after we had started it. We've still got two walls to finish painting and all the skirting but at least I've now got somewhere to hang my jewellery. If the swine had been able to have the kids we probably would of had it done by now. 

(My reclaimed spice rack)

Helena is staring to outgrow her Moses basket. So next weekend we are moving her to the nursery and out of our room. Luckily the nursery is off our room so she's not too far out of earshot. When we move in a couple of years I can't wait to have our own room. We've never had our own room. Our bedroom has always accommodated all the things that fit nowhere else. We've lived her 3 years and there has always been a mess in our room. It is the dumping space. 

So Helana actually giggled. I made her giggle. I was so happy I may have shed a tear or two. 

The weather is proving to be too hot for the kids. It's making them really irritable. We've had to stay in for most of it as they have both inherited mine and the mr's pale colouring so they need a ton of suncream but Eth will not put it on. I've not given up but just choosing my battles wisely. 

I've not done anything recently with wedding planning. I'm not at a dead end it's just the invites are sent out and we've had a few RSVP already but until I get a few more confirm I can't really plan the catering although we do have a caterer lined up. No one has declined yet. 

Talking of weddings. I think I've finally sorted out my outfit for the brother and sister in laws wedding. I'm wearing heels! I never wear heels and these are huge! Although I've had a little practice in them already I think I may be taking a back up pair of flat shoes. 

I've still been having a few down moments but I'm trying to get through them the best I can. I think one of the big issues is I feel trapped and I'm lonely. I'm a little restricted as to what I can do when the mr is at work. My sister is out of action since she hurt her foot on Eths birthday. She was told it's broken but then at a follow up appointment this week she was told it's actually tendon damage. She's had a cast for two weeks for no reason. I do know I need to get out and socialise but I don't know where to start. I hope once Eth is at nursery in September it will free up a few hours so I can take helana to a baby group. 

Cakes and quality time

During my labour with Helana I opted for a epidural as she was back to back and I was extremely uncomfortable. The epidural failed. The doctor who administered the epidural slipped in between two vertebrae and popped my spinal fluid which resulted in only the left side of my body being left numb and only for 30 minutes or so. In the end I did it all natural which was completely different from my labour with Ethan. The following morning I had a follow up as I was expierancing bad headaches because one of the side effects of a failed epidural is severe headaches almost like a migraine. I had a blood patch done which is a reverse epidural almost and I left hospital still in pain with my head but with abundance of painkillers. For about two weeks after I was having migraine like headaches. I couldn't even sit up without crying. Yesterday I had one of those again.  How did I cure it? With caffeine. I was told at the the hospital that caffeine works. They don't really know why but it does. So I've been sat in this heat with hot drink after hot drink to shift a headache caused by an event that took place 3 months ago.

Today I woke up a little down but after a talk with the mr and some cuddles from the kids I was ready to kick the day in the balls. Trying to find fun things to do with the kids gets old really quickly. So I turned to an old favourite, baking cakes. I grabbed my iPod, dock,the toddler and put the baby in her bouncy chair where she could see us and got baking.
It's only one of the children's cake sets but it makes Eth happy to bake.

The hard part is letting the cakes cool before we decorate them as that's his favourite part.

We started Helana on 7oz bottles on Monday before the recommended age but she was barely going 3 hours before feeds. So far she's taking the extra ounce well. I remember Ethan being hungry and having bigger amounts before the recommended age. He's turn out fine so I have no worries about the little one. She's putting on weight well. You just have to lift her to feel that. No giggles yet but already trying to roll over so imagine it won't be long.

It's a new day

I've struggled over the past couple of days and the blog has been my way of coping. Writing it down seemed to take a little weight off my shoulders and help to ease the pain I was feeling. 

I try not to be a negative person but sometimes things just seem to pile up very quickly and that's that and I spend a few days barely able to function. I pull myself together long enough to sort the kids and then fall back into the black hole. 

Today is a new day. I've woken up with a new lease for life. I've got most of the boring chores out of the way already and it's only just gone 8am. Today I'm going to make it fun. It's a day to bake cakes, paint, run and dance. 

The mr has been acting up as senior (supervisor) at work for the past 3 weeks. It's sort of a on the job interview. The current senior who he has been working along side has asked him to do another week as senior and out of the other candidates he is the one he would choose. I'm so proud of him. I don't know if he's too bothered about the job role but if he did get it, it would work out a little better for us. Neither of us earn a huge amount of money but we cope. All the bills are paid, neither of the kids go without and no one goes hungry but a little extra cash would help us to start enjoying life a little more. 

I've been thinking about when I return from maternity leave. If I left my job nod found a new job full time and earnt three times the amount a month I earn now. We would be no better off. Once we'd paid for childcare we would have about the same left each month that we have now. I feel a little stuck in a rut as the kids are still young I have to work a job that is flexible enough to work around them. I just hope once I hear back about some evening classes I'll stop feeling so lonely and have more sense of worth. 

Being a mum is so lonely

It is. I mean it's great you have these little people you raise and help shape them into the person they'll become but it's a lonely job. Sure you have you have the support of your family and friends and of course your partner (if they are still involved) but it seems people forget about you. I may be a mum but I still know how to have a good time. I'd love to go out for the evening and not just be a mum I want to feel alive again. 

Yesterday I had a pretty tough time and today it doesn't seem to have gotten much better. The mr is working the late shift so doesn't get into 7pm (usually 3:30pm) and by that time it's the bedtime struggle. So we won't be able to relax until Eth has settled down which could be an hour or more. I cried this morning because the kids were screaming at me and no matter what I did I couldn't do it fast enough. I also locked myself away in the bathroom to have a cry because I feel so alone and isolated. I keep telling myself that it isn't always going to be this hard but until this phase is over I can't see the bright light. Not every day is like this but recently it seems to have become the norm. It is getting worse. 

So today is a nice bright sunny day. It's a fantastic July day outside but inside my head it's a dark, dreary day. It started out a normal day with the usual wake up curiosity of Ethan. The mr had a lay in whilst I sorted Ethan his breakfast out and I enjoyed my morning cup of coffee. Once everyone was up and fed, washed, dressed and the dog walked we went to visit my parents. Again nothing out of the ordinary. Sunday in this house is family visiting day.  We had fun. My sister made some loom bands (she broke her foot so needs something to occupy her whilst she's off work), my nan got baby snuggles and the mr helped my dad move a washing machine. We left to have dinner at the in laws.
Not my favourite I must be honest but something that must be done. It was here that it struck me. That little thing in my mind that sits there day in and day out that likes to poke me every now and again telling me I'm worthless, you're no good. The thing scratching at me until I take notice. I thought the defences were strong but it broke through. It hit me hard all of a sudden. I don't know why but it did. I don't know why I suddenly felt down or even why I felt down. It felt like I was two different people. The person I was this morning was there screaming to be let out again but the dark mood wouldn't let me. I couldn't open my mouth to talk to anyone apart from a few words. I probably looked like I was being anti social when in reality the words were being held back.
I've always tried to cope and most of the time I've been able to keep a smile on my face in public and around people who don't really understand how bad it is. Today the mask slipped. I couldn't hold it. The mr asked me what's wrong but truthfully I couldn't tell him why I felt like the way I did. I didn't know myself so trying to explain what's up to someone who doesn't understand is really hard. Maybe I need some help. I've tried tablets before but I did not like the way they made me feel. Maybe I need to seek some help because I don't know how much more I can take before I crack.

Why I love doing the food shop online

We first did the food shop with asda online when we had a very young baby and the car was off the road. The first time was a disaster. We choose an 8 hour slot so we waited in all day for the shopping to be delivered and then it turned up late!
Then a few months later we gave it another go all because asda had a offer that you pay £15 and for 3 months you can have any slot at any time or day for free as long as you spend £40 or more. Well as a family of 3 at the time plus two pets it made sense. I could book an early morning slot and get it over and done with. No more dragging the little one around the supermarket early on a Saturday morning to avoid the crowds and no more supermarket tantrums! It's great, I can do the order a week or more in advance and just adjust it up until 11:00pm the night before the delivery is due. Ok so I miss not being able to pick out my own fruit/veg and there have been a few items missing on occasion but these things are easily sorted.
Now being on maternity leave and having two kids and a couple of pets and only a Corsa it makes even more sense to get it delivered. I usually choose a Friday morning slot 8am-10am which suits us just fine because by then the kids have been up for a couple of hours already and it leaves the day free for other activities.
I love food shopping online!

Tattoo!

I did it! It's been nearly 6 years since my last tattoo and I've been craving another ever since. Well when I had Eth I wanted to get one for him but not a birth date or name, something a little more unique. I was toying with the idea of a Mickey Mouse as he loves him but then I thought it's cute now but when he gets older will it still be as nice. Then I fell pregnant with Helana so I couldn't get a tattoo. After she was born (3 months ago) I started looking at designs again. I found one I liked. It's pretty and I loved it. 

Yesterday afternoon after the mr finished work we bundled the kids into the car and off to my parents and drove to the tattooist. I was a little nervous as I was having done on top of my foot. My last tattoo was on the back of my neck and they are supposed to be two of the most painful places to have done. My appointment was with a lovely tattooist called Paris. She is only still quite young (21) but she's extremely talented. She put me at ease and helped me tweak the design slightly so that it fit a bit better in with my existing two. 

The mr got to sit in with me whilst I had my tattoo which I think helped put him a bit at ease as he got to chat with Paris and Adam about the design he would like done. Truthfully the pain wasn't too bad there were times where I could of asked her to stop but I battled through. The only places I really noticed the pain was as she got towards my toes and the very top bit of my foot. It was nowhere near to how I thought it would be. 

Anyway I love it and the mr keeps asking to see it. He's told me it's his favourite of all my tattoos. Even Ethan has told me it's beautiful! 

I think that's my last tattoo for a while but I won't be saying no to another. 

Time for change

I've realised that at the moment I am little more than a mummy. I'm not saying that this is the root of my depression but I feel that it is not helping. Don't get me wrong I love having kids and I know I am extremely lucky but I used to have hopes and dreams. I used to have interests. 

Being a mummy is wonderful and my kids are my world but maybe that's the problem. It certainly is difficult and I have the support of a wonderful partner and he's a fantastic dad but there are still days where I would love just to shut the door on the kids and be the person I once was. 

I've written a list of things that is like to do. 

Travel (anywhere and everywhere doesn't even have to be to other countries)

Go back to education (I've got a couple of A levels but I always hoped to take them a little further)

Take more time for myself (it's all too easy to forget about yourself when you have kids)

Read the classics (I own quite a few but have never really got around to reading them.)

Broaden my horizons (I feel secluded and quite set in my ways)

Get back into photography (I've always had an interest in it but when you're juggling a baby and a toddler some things get pushed to the sidelines)

Write more (I used to write all the time. I've got pads full of short stories. The mr even suggested I write a children's story as I'd "be good at it")

Get my confidence back (since the kids came along my confidence has been knocked)

Make new friends (I lost a good friend of mine in April to cancer and even though we never really hung out we were there for each other. We could chat about anything when we saw each other. I was there to help him with his problems and he was there to help me with mine. We grew up together and he'll be forever in my heart) 

Another thing, I've never had a desire to have a career. I have never really known what I wanted to do. However I would like to change job more because I get bored and I've been at my current job for 4 1/2 years. However I want to do this for myself not for anyone else. The in laws seem to take great pleasure in telling me I NEED a new job. Then again that's another story that I may have explained before. 

A letter to depression

For fuck sake! I think I'm doing well then all of a sudden it comes back with a massive smack in the face. 

Fuck you depression! You come along making me feel shit about myself. Making me feel like I've achieved nothing. I wish I could shove you away but I can't because you're always there at the back of my mind ready to strike when I'm starting to feel right about myself. When there's sunshine you're the big black cloud hovering above. I've had enough now I just wish I knew how to get rid of you. 

Holiday

What a week. We spent the 4 days at Kiln park holiday park in Tenby, South Wales with the in laws. All 6 of us in a caravan with paper thin walls. I mean they were that thin that you could hear everyone turn over in bed. 

The holiday was nice but I've come home feeling like I've not been away. There have been fall outs and I've learnt a few things as well. On Tuesday they decided we should go to the beach. I said before we went that we would never get the pram down the path as it was sandy. I was ignored and then when we got there I had my worries realised when we could get the pram anywhere as it was getting stuck. A man and his family on their way back told us it doesn't get easier on the beach as it's soft sand and they had the same problem as us. That was that then  I volunteered to take Helana back to the caravan whilst everyone else went on the beach. The mr came back to give me a hand but unbeknowst to is the in laws decided to also come back. I was accused of making it awkward for everyone (I wasn't as I said I'll go back) and I was reduced to tears. I stayed back with the little one whilst everyone went off. I later found out that Ethan had been playing up and was told "if you don't calm down then your mummy won't let you come out again." This explains why he's always a little devil when he returns from theirs. Seems I'm made out to be the nasty mummy that never lets him do anything exciting. Great! 

We went into the local town the next day without the apology I was owned. Whilst there we spotted a couple of Ethan's favourite disney Pixar characters. Mater and Lightening McQueen. 

Also picked up a few presents for the folks back home although the brother and sister in law nearly didn't get anything as it seems the father in law wasn't keen on spending money out to get them anything. The mr and myself went back and got them something instead. 

Some of the views were amazing. 

*Castle rock on Tenby beach*

It's a shame we didn't get to really see much else apart from the caravan park and beach as they had some really cool local attractions. Maybe we'll do that if we ever visit Tenby again (without the in laws) 

*Helana flat out*

*The mr*

I couldn't wait to get home. I really appreciate my privacy after those few short days with none. 

Holiday and school run snootiness

We go on holiday on Monday. I'm so stressed about it. It will only be for four days but the kids will need more than four changes of clothes in case of accidents. It's going to look like we are moving home with the amount of stuff we will have to take. Then there's getting the family up ready to be out the door in the early morning. I might just send them off without me so I get a bit of a break. I am looking forward to our first holiday in four years, ice creams on the beach and fish and chips. I'm looking forward to sand castles and even the high chance of rain. Let's face it we're going to Wales it's going to rain. I'm not really looking forward to sharing a caravan with the in-laws though. I'm going to feel like I'm on holiday with my parents and I'm a kid again. I hope the good things will out weigh this little issue.

The little girl turns three months old on Sunday. I don't understand where the time has gone. She's just about bursting out of her 0-3 range of clothes but thats ok because shes got some really nice outfits for 3-6 months and I can't wait to see her in them. This holiday will be her first time in a pool. So I hope she loves the water just as much as Eth does.
This will also be the first time I will be wearing a swimsuit since before I fell pregnant last year. I'm not usually a self conscious person but for some reason it's really starting to bother me. What if I just look repulsive? I keep being told that its silly to feel such a way but for some reason after having Helana I've become a bit more self conscious. Pregnancy changes the body in ways you can't imagine. Some aren't physical many are mental.

I've had to rebook for my tattoo as my understanding of when we would be back home from our holiday was wrong. I thought we were back on the Thursday even when in fact it won't be until the Friday evening. So instead of coming home from holiday and getting a new tattoo I know have to wait until the following week. I'm a little disappointed but none the less excited. The Mr now wants a tattoo. However the design he wants would be a two day sitting and cost him £230. I think he was shocked by how much it would cost. He keeps asking me how bad the pain is and as I keep explaining it differs for everyone. He doesn't seem to handle getting hit in the face by the lil man well so I'm not sure he'd be able to handle it. I'd be there to support him though none the less.

The lady that made Ethan's birthday cake has been a family friend for years and is my step-mum's old boss.

We did not get it until the day after Ethan's birthday as my sister's trip to A&E caused a bit of a delay but none the less we had one happy boy when he saw it. On the plus side it gave him a chance to celebrate his birthday over two days.

Ethan enjoyed his second day at school.  Again he went in without a hug or kiss just walked straight into the classroom and had to be told by one of the teaching assistants to say goodbye. He also didn't want to come home. I had to pick him up and leave. I'm glad he's like that and not upset about being left. As of September he will be attending school three hours a day for five days a week. I'm positive he will settle in well. I expieranced a bit of mum snootiness at the school gate when I dropped Ethan off. I don't know why mum's feel they have to look down on other mum's surely we should be looking out for one another. Sure everyone judges but please keep it to yourselves. Besides who said I wanted to join your little group. I grew out of that when I left school.

I've brought Helana's outfit for the wedding next September already. I couldn't resist. As soon as I saw it I knew it was the right one. I've also started buying bits for Ethan's. The kids are easy to buy for. They only get taller unlike us who get wider if we aren't careful.
The wedding dress trying on went really well. It fit perfectly. No alterations needed just a little bit of customization. Can't wait to try it on again in September. I've even seen the perfect shoes.

The Mr asked me last night how I was feeling. What he meant was do I feel anywhere as depressed as I did after having Ethan. The truth is no. I don't. I know it's still early days and yes there are days where I feel I could shut the door and go sit in the garden until both kids calmed down but I don't have the days where there is nothing but black clouds hanging over me. I still occassionally snap and we end up fighting with each other but I think the Mr understands much better this time around. He usually just lets me get on with it until I calm down enough and apploigise. We're working through it.

Baby boy becomes a lil man

So today my baby boy turned three. Today was the first birthday that he had been excited about as today was the first time he understood what a birthday was. He's not new to the idea of presents. I think it amazed him slightly that you have a day that you can call your own and you get presents just for being born. 

We spent the morning opening presents and having birthday boy tantrums. Then auntie Natalie came bearing a bag full of gifts. Cue super excited Ethan who felt eating breakfast would only get in the way of presents. One stressed mummy later and I gave in no breakfast for Ethan today. 

We eventually managed to get ready and visit the adventure farm. We had yet another tantrum over sun cream (he hates the stuff) and then we were on our way. 

We were lucky enough to have a 2 for 1 offer voucher which got the four of us (baby was free) in for £17 with a bucket of animal feed. As Ethan is over 2 he would of been adult price and it would of cost us £32. A great time was had by all until the Mr got his hand bitten by a pig (serves him right for taunting it) and my sister nearly broke her ankle at the soft play part. One trip to A&E later and it's just a really bad sprain. 

Family came to visit in the evening with lots more presents and he had a great time playing with them. He even got to stay up way past his bedtime! 

Now he's safely tucked up sleeping soundly ready for tomorrow and his second visit to school. I spent all of Sunday night struggling to sleep worrying about his first time away from me with strangers but there was no need. When I dropped him off he took the teacher's hand and walked straight in barely a wave and certainly no hug and kiss. When did he grow up? Before I'll know it he'll be going on nights out and I'll be kept awake until I hear the front door go. I just hope he never gets too old for cuddles.