Depression in my words

People keep commenting that I look down and asking what's up? How can I tell them that there isn't really anything "up" but I'm finding it hard to cope.

Depression doesn't want you to get out of bed in the morning. Every morning I wake up and I don't want to get out of bed. Not because I'm tired just that I can't get out of bed. I know that the day will hold all the same things yesterday brought. I find it hard to face the day. The only thing that usually gets me through is Ethan. He's the one reason I get up in the morning. I can't let him down.
I work evenings most of the time and being taken away from my son tears my heart in two. I've been back at work since last April but the feeling hasn't subsided. If anything it's got worse.

Depression is like a big black hole that keeps sucking you in. It's not as simple as just "snapping out" of it. Which I have been told to do by several people. It makes me feel worse as I can't break out of the mood. I find it harder to cope at work than at home. I just can't seem to keep the mask up for long whilst at work and I find it slipping. I usually just go and hide for a bit. (I work in a cinema so this makes it easier.) However I know a few people think I'm being antisocial or even lazy but it's just because I can't bear to be around people and bring them down too.

I've been on medication but I didn't think they helped.

I've told a few people but most don't understand and try to offer advice. Advice that isn't helpful. I'm grateful that they try but if you don't suffer or know someone who suffers from depression there's not really anything anyone can say.

Decisions to be made

The lil man is now 18 months old (1st Jan) and the time has come to talk about having another little one. I've got some concerns though.

How will I cope with two children? Will I be able to bond with a second as much as I managed to bond with Eth? I have passed my driving test. Will this get in the way? How will I manage to potty train Eth and cope with a newborn?

What if my PND becomes worse and I can't cope?
This is my main concern. It's bad enough when Eth catches me crying and wipes my tears away. It should be I who wipes the tears from his face not the other way round. His face is full of concern when he sees me crying and most of the time I do it when he's not around but sometimes it just takes over.

H has no concerns. He wants to be a dad again. I wish I had his confidence and didn't worry about any of this.

Don't get me wrong I would love a sibling for Eth. I've always wanted two kids but how can I get over my fears?