Chicken pox!

On Wednesday afternoon I spotted what looked like a spot on the little man's forehead and thought nothing of it. It wasn't until I ruffled his hair (which I do often) that I noticed more bumps on his head. I lifted his top up at the back and he had about 4 blisters. That's when I knew he had chicken pox. I face timed my dad who confirmed it. He had the pox!
I've been dreading this day. My sister got chicken pox when she was around 3 so not far of the age of Eth now but even though I was around her all the time I never got it then. Instead I came down with it when I was 17. I was very poorly with it. It took me over a month to recover. Thankfully Eth is fine in himself. He's a little down because he's had to miss the last two days of school but other than that he's happy.
We had a rough night last night. He was up and down all night. I was on scratch watch and there to dry the tears. We're on day three and the ones he had on Wednesday seem to be drying up. New ones have appeared on his face but so far no blisters just red dots.  So far I've only had to use antihistamines, calpol and luke warm baths to help him. I do have calamine lotion in though.
We've got his fingers crossed that by Christmas Day they will be scabbed over so we can stick to our original plans because as it stands we can't visit the in-laws as father in law has a weakened immune system. Thankfully if that happens my dad is more than happy to have us over as everyone at home has had it. I'm not going to lie I feel very stressed out about it all. At least so far none have appeared on the littlest. I hate having to keep brother and sister apart though.
To make light of the situation I've told Eth if he gets anymore I'll join them up and see what picture it creates. He's even been pressing the mild ones like buttons!
If there's one wish I have for Christmas it's for Eth to get better.

It's Christmas time

The Christmas cards have been sent. The decorations are up and there's already too much food in the house and there is still a week to go. It's Christmas!
This is the first year that Ethan has shown an interest in. Helped by the fact that he attends a school based nursery and has been involved in all the festive activities. They designed their own Christmas cards at school that of course as parents are encouraged to buy. We did obviously did and these are the cards we sent out. Maybe to a few people they look quickly put together but they are special to me. He was very proud of his design when I picked them up from the school. They even had the words "designed by Ethan" on the back of the card. Proud mummy moment.
I volunteered to help with a walk to the local church for the nursery to learn about the story of the nativity. I'm not a religious person (never have been) but there is something special about Christmas and the nativity. Do not get me wrong I was sat there thinking this is all hoo hah but the kids enjoyed themselves after they stopped talking about cake! They learnt about the story and what Christmas is 'about' and then they dressed up as characters from the nativity and form the scene. Ethan could not control himself he was volunteering to dress up as anyone including Mary! In the end he got the role of one of the wise men.

The nursery put a Christmas song concert on for the family last Thursday. It was 5 songs sang by the children. One was jingle bells. Ethan had been singing this song for the last month but when it came to the big day he got bored and didn't sing instead he just rang the bell. It was so funny to see. 
This Christmas is going to be special not only is Ethan excited but it will also be Helana's first Christmas and both the mr and I will be at home this year. We've never been both off at this time of year, usually one of us is working Boxing Day which puts a downer on the big day itself when you know you've got work in the morning.
I am officially off maternity and instead on holiday. I return to work the 3rd of January. I feel surprisingly ok about this not nearly as nervous as I was after I returned from maternity with Ethan. I'm sure I'll find it odd to get back into a work environment once again but I'll be around friends so I'm sure I'll cope.
My job isn't looking great at the moment. I'm on a zero hour contract so they can give me any hours they like or lack of. I would like to leave but finding something to fit in around the kids isn't easy. I could put them both in full time child care but then I would be working to pay for the child care and not be any better off. The government wants mothers to return to work but it's not as easy as they make it out to be. You can get universal credit which includes a little extra to pay towards child care but what you get is hardly worth it. I looked into putting Helana in full time childcare 5 days a week and that would cost £600 a month. That's more than our mortgage! Needless to say it's unaffordable and I'm stuck where I am for the time being.

You don't get to choose your family

I lost my maternal grandfather on the 5th November. To say I had any feelings would be wrong. The truth is I didn't know the man. In my 27 years I can count the times I've met him on one hand. My mother left both my sister and I when we were 5 and 3 years of age . She had very little contact since. The truth is I've not seen her for 17 years. She wanted boys and ended up with girls, my parents marriage dissolved and she moved away. She always blamed my dad for the marriage going south but she was the one who walked away. She got remarried, had another daughter and pretended we didn't exist.
I always put on a front that her walking away doesn't bother me but deep down I suppose it does.  Since I've become a mother I find it difficult to understand why anyone would walk away from their children. She knows she's a grandmother and I've given her opportunity after opportunity to meet the kids and close the door on the past but she just doesn't want to know.
It's not just her though that whole side of the family just don't want to know. Sure they add you on Facebook but then all I ever get are games requests. No actual conversation has taken place. So I deleted them. It felt therapeutic, it felt amazing. That baggage gone. I'm through with trying to hold a connection that isn't there.
My mother's youngest sister was the one who let me know that my grandfather had passed away. She's the only one on that side that cares. She went out of her way to find my sister and I because no one would tell her where we were. She's great! There's nothing you couldn't like about her. She spends the summer months travelling around in a yellow bus to festivals setting up shop. Her kids are great as well and they're great with our kids. I'd love one year to travel with them just for a couple of weeks.  I've not seen them for about year but we keep in touch. Unfortunately she lives down south and trying to find the time when we are both free can prove to be challenging.
At least she makes an effort some relatives that live much closer don't seem to make an effort. It's not like I don't include them but it's never returned. The mr tells me it's their loss but I can't help but feel the kids are the ones who are missing out.
I guess it's true what they say you can't choose your family. 

It's been busy

Well where do I start? It's been fairly busy since I last blogged. There was the wedding of the mr's brother to his fiancée. That was a fun but a long four days away from the children. It was nice to have a little time away and most of the time I was ok but I found myself tearing up every time someone mentioned the kids. I also had a disagreement with one of the mr's friends as it seems his view is that a woman's place is at home looking after the kids while the men are allowed to go out and enjoy themselves. That's fine if turns are taken but no one ever says to me 'I'll have the kids while you have some time to yourself'. In fact the only time the kids aren't with me is if we have to run an errand we know will be long and boring.
I'm due to return to work in February but due to money issues I have had to return to work at the end of this month but thankfully I have 4 and a half weeks holiday to take so I won't be returning to work until after the festivities.
We've made some parent friends. Ethan has a 'girlfriend' called Lily and her parents are great. They are a bit older that us but great fun to be around. Lily has already told her mum and dad that she's going to marry Ethan! Best start saving now I guess. :)
Ethan was named 'star of the week' last week at school but he wouldn't tell us why. To be honest he barely tells us anything about school. It's like talking to a brick wall sometimes.
I've been feeling tired all the time recently. The mr reckons it's because I'm busy all day with the kids but I don't know if it's just that.
We had a meeting with Ethan's teacher today. He has trouble understanding sharing but we were told that they aren't concerned as some children have always been in a childcare setting and he's been at home with us on his own until recently. He's very smart for his age and he's always singing. It's nice to see our hard work teaching him to count, colours and singing etc has been recognised. We were told that even though he is one of the youngest members of the class he is advanced academically. He works very hard and has come on leaps and bounds in the 9 weeks school has been back.  We came away very pleased.
The littlest is now 7 months old and can sit unaided. She's not a fussy eater like her big brother but instead loves trying whatever is put in front of her. She's very independent and likes to feed herself. Still waiting for a tooth yet but lots of chewing and red rosy cheeks so it may not be long.
Not much on the wedding front apart from paying things off. Only a couple of months left before the date closes for the RSVP.

School illness and updates

Eth has been sick since the first day of school. He's functioned normally and he's not lost his appetite but last Tuesday I kept him home. He just didn't seem to be getting better. I made a Doctor's appointment for that afternoon. 

We went to see the Doctor and we were told that there is no infection and may take 4-6 weeks for him to get over it. Since then he's had an upset tummy and has been sick this morning. He won't have the day off school though because he's scared he's going to miss something. Looks like we will be going back to see the doctor though. 

Helana had her first 'proper' taste of food yesterday. She's just short of 6 months but all the signs are there. She's ready to begin weaning. We've only tried apple sauce and a few bits of our meals but she's taken really well to it all. 

Wedding planning is coming along nicely. Cake maker is booked. Still got to pay our deposit for the photographer. The caterer is a family friend so that's a nice easy one to sort. Not many things left to sort just to pay off. 

We think we've picked our first dance music as well. That will be a secret that only a select few know about. 

There is now no free weekend until the end of October. Lots of things going on. Mr has got suit shopping with his dad and brother for his brother's wedding this weekend and I'm off getting the very last few things (jewellery) for my outfit. Then he's working the one after. The next one is the wedding. When we come back it's my nan's birthday so pretty busy! 

Oh yeah then there's half term the week after! 

Eth is getting impatient about Halloween. We've decided to take him for his first trick or treating expierence this year. Only going to both sets of grandparents but he's still really excited. He's even told us that we all have to dress up. I can't wait if I'm honest, I love Halloween. 

I've been pretty busy lately with the eldest being at pre school and the illness that comes from it so I've not had the time to update. However I've been suffering from insomnia recently because of some issues that have arose that I have no control over but have upset me and I'm having trouble switching off from them. 

The first being that Eth seems to be acting out at pre school. Each day when I pick him up it seems that his teacher always has something negative to say about his behaviour. I'm not saying he's an angel at home and wouldn't act the way they are telling me but when I ask him what happened I get the other side of the story. It seems that even though his class is only small he doesn't seem to be getting the attention he needs. He's a smart kid and I have been fortunate enough to work a job that allows me to be at home during the day so that I can sit down and teach him things like numbers and the alphabet. However the school he is attending don't seem to understand that what they are 'teaching' him he already knows and is acting out because he's bored. There are some other things that I am not happy about and as parents we have decided to make an appointment with the school to see if we can find out why this is happening. I've even considered taking him out because I feel they are punishing him because he's 3 and one of the youngest in his class. 

Helana has come on leaps and bounds.  She's now pulling herself up from a laying down position. Still no teeth but still lots of chewing. She's also showing signs of being ready to start weaning. She's had a few tastes of some easy to eat items like rusks and wotsits. Things that are easy to gum. 

The mr and I have been talking about trying to have a night a month for just us. We haven't been out together just the two of us since last January. We are never able to switch off because once the school run is done, the kids fed, bathed, ready for bed and asleep we still have a ton of things to do before we go to sleep. I know my brain never rests. I don't know if this why we never get invited to go out or to special events because we have kids. It's really starting to annoy the both of us. It's not a nice feeling when you realise you've been excluded from social gatherings. If given enough notice I'm sure we could arrange someone to have the kids while we go out but we never get the chance. I know I feel 10 years older then I am but we're both only still in our 20's and we would like to enjoy them. 

First week at school

Ethan started nursery on Tuesday. Thankfully Hayd was able to have the time off to see him go to school. The morning was pretty stressful as Eth decided he wanted to have a lay in and with so much to get ready it was inconvenient. Luckily because he was so excited to go to school when I went in to wake him up he was in a happy mood. 

Breakfast was a faff. All eth wanted to do was watch cartoons and he forgot about his breakfast. After much persuasion he eventually ate it. 

About a week before we had a meltdown as Eth said he hated his uniform because it is red and he wanted a blue one. How do you explain to a 3 year old that isn't going to happen. He did relax about it and now is very proud to wear his uniform. 

The walk to school went much better than expected. We were early but because it was the first day of term the school was packed. I didn't go into the school with him once they had lined up because it was too crowded and I had Helana in the pushchair. 

When Hayd came out after settling Eth in he said that he felt like crying. This was the first time he's ever said anything like this. I on the other hand was ok. I know that Ethan is ready for more challenges and needs time away from me. 

We picked him up just before dinner as he only does mornings and he came out so happy and with a sticker. (He's come home with a sticker each day) However he didn't tell us anything he's done apart from the Wednesday as they had a welly whanging day which he seemed to really enjoy. 

He really seems to enjoy his time at school and even woke us up this morning at 5am to go to school. Just a shame it's Saturday!

Vey proud in his uniform

Firsts and lasts

So the time has come for the littlest one to move into her own room. She's not 6 months old until October but she is starting to out grow her Moses basket.
I have mixed feelings about this. We only discussed having two children so this would be the last time this event happens. It marks the end of the newborn stage.
On the other hand she won't be far away and it will be nice to have our own space back.
The eldest starts at nursery in a week! I'm obviously a little sad about it but I'm excited too. I'll have time to devote to the youngest and my time won't be taken up by naughty corners and tantrums. Well not for a while anyway.
We haven't really had to do much to get him excited. Since his stay and play a couple of months ago he's been asking to go back. It's been hard trying to explain the summer holidays to him when all he's wanted to do was go to school. I'm sure this will change as soon as he realises it's not all playing. We shall see though.
As usual the bank holiday has been a wash out so we've spent much of the day in our pjs, under a blanket and watching films. This is the last bank holiday before Christmas! Where has this year gone? Thankfully I'm not due to return to work until the new year which means it's the first Christmas ever that the mr and I will both be at home. We can actually have a Christmas.

Teething already!

Helana has been chewing her fist since she first found her hands at a couple of months old. She is now 4 1/2 months and chews anything like crazy. Her gums are rigid and you can make out a tooth at the front although it has yet to break through. Ethan didn't cut his first tooth until he was 6 months old but it looks like his sister may be earlier. 

I found Teetha crystals worked the best for Ethan when he was cutting his teeth. I also brought him an amber necklace to help deal with the pain. Some people say they're great others don't rate them. I believe they work. However anyone will tell you that I won't reach for painkillers until the pain is unbearable. So I'll try anything else before dosing the kids up. 

I'm not saying that I don't use painkillers at all, of course I do but I believe you need to give your body a chance to deal with it on its own. 

Something else I relied on with Ethan was funky giraffe's bandana bibs. I used to have to change his top several times a day because his dribbling was constant but once we got some bandana bibs that stopped. They say that you don't need to change the bibs as the absorb the liquid but Eth was such a dribbler that some days in had to change them once. Helana has already had to wear hers but she is no where near as bad yet! 

I hope this first tooth won't take much longer. 

Snibston discovery centre and toddler trantrums

After the mr working 7 days last week and not having a weekend we decided to go out for the day to Snibston Discovery centre (after much texting back and forth between the sister in law). It was a bit of a hectic morning getting the kids ready to go out and picking the car up from the parents in law but we made it. After Ethan trantruming because he didn't want to pick his auntie and uncle up he fell asleep which made for a peaceful journey. It was the first time we'd been out with them and I was a little nervous as how they would react to Ethan and his temper. 

Once we arrived he was a different child. Well until we got inside and he was having one of his days where no one could do anything right. Helana on the other was a gem. Didn't make a peep once and would probably slept all day if we hadn't woken her up to feed her. 

I thought the museum was great but I felt like I didn't really have much chance to take part because I was pushing the baby around and trying to calm a toddler. Maybe I'll revisit again either when Eth is a little older or even leave him with his grandparents. That's the thing about being a mum, you put everyone else's needs before yours. 

There were three large crocheted lioness' on display. They were made before the 2012 Olympics and went on your around the UK. www.lionheartproject.com if you fancy reading about it more. 

The fashion gallery was quite interesting. They had all sorts on display. Clothes through the eras, different materials and how they are made and even try your own weaving. 

(Corsets on display)

They even had an original wedding dress from the 1950's which is exactly like mine but a tad longer. Of course I didn't tell the mr that. 

It was a shame we couldn't explore the outside but it was tipping it down with rain. 

I WILL go back another time. 

When we got back home it was time for Helana to discover something. She finally rolled over! Just to prove it wasn't a fluke we watched her do it a further three times! She's not even four months old until this Saturday. A very proud mummy moment. Might of shed a tiny tear. 

This Saturday it's a family BBQ on the mr's side for one of his cousin's 21st. We've had no choice about going. We've been told we ARE going. Joy! I'm a little bit nervous because even after 5 years of being together there is still a fair few of the family in law I've not met. Could be interesting. 

Ramblings

I've been thinking about going to see a medium recently. I don't know if I really believe in that side of things. I wouldn't be going to try to contact someone or even to try to find out what the future holds but instead just to experience it. I've known of a few around the local area but never had the guys to go. At the weekend I saw that a place has opened up right I the centre of town and I'm thinking of making an appointment.
It got me thinking about the times I've experienced something I couldn't rationally explain. I've seen a figure of a woman at my current place of work. That scared the life out of me and since then I've always found a way of refusing to go back to the place it happened on my own. I've also heard a woman in the bedroom say "hello". It felt like she was right up to my face. It wasn't just me who heard it though. The mr also heard it. It wasn't a toy going off because we tried every thing to debunk it.  I'm sure we have a 'extra' living in the house. Sometimes when I'm on my own I feel like there's someone keeping me company. Ethan as a baby used to 'talk' to someone who wasn't there and now Helana has started. Ethan has also greeted someone at the top of the stairs by waving and saying hello.
There's been times when I was growing up that I had some strange things happen. I've always experienced déjà vu (I still do). I've heard voices calling me before when I was younger.
My dad used to be a huge believer and I suppose in a way I was brought up to believe it myself but as I got a bit older I grew out of it and didn't believe but it seems I'm starting to believe again.

The mr has been off for the past two days as he starts a 7 day working week this morning. Is like to say it was filled with lots of exciting things but it wasn't. Instead it was filled with DIY. We started to finish decorating our bedroom a year after we had started it. We've still got two walls to finish painting and all the skirting but at least I've now got somewhere to hang my jewellery. If the swine had been able to have the kids we probably would of had it done by now. 

(My reclaimed spice rack)

Helena is staring to outgrow her Moses basket. So next weekend we are moving her to the nursery and out of our room. Luckily the nursery is off our room so she's not too far out of earshot. When we move in a couple of years I can't wait to have our own room. We've never had our own room. Our bedroom has always accommodated all the things that fit nowhere else. We've lived her 3 years and there has always been a mess in our room. It is the dumping space. 

So Helana actually giggled. I made her giggle. I was so happy I may have shed a tear or two. 

The weather is proving to be too hot for the kids. It's making them really irritable. We've had to stay in for most of it as they have both inherited mine and the mr's pale colouring so they need a ton of suncream but Eth will not put it on. I've not given up but just choosing my battles wisely. 

I've not done anything recently with wedding planning. I'm not at a dead end it's just the invites are sent out and we've had a few RSVP already but until I get a few more confirm I can't really plan the catering although we do have a caterer lined up. No one has declined yet. 

Talking of weddings. I think I've finally sorted out my outfit for the brother and sister in laws wedding. I'm wearing heels! I never wear heels and these are huge! Although I've had a little practice in them already I think I may be taking a back up pair of flat shoes. 

I've still been having a few down moments but I'm trying to get through them the best I can. I think one of the big issues is I feel trapped and I'm lonely. I'm a little restricted as to what I can do when the mr is at work. My sister is out of action since she hurt her foot on Eths birthday. She was told it's broken but then at a follow up appointment this week she was told it's actually tendon damage. She's had a cast for two weeks for no reason. I do know I need to get out and socialise but I don't know where to start. I hope once Eth is at nursery in September it will free up a few hours so I can take helana to a baby group. 

Cakes and quality time

During my labour with Helana I opted for a epidural as she was back to back and I was extremely uncomfortable. The epidural failed. The doctor who administered the epidural slipped in between two vertebrae and popped my spinal fluid which resulted in only the left side of my body being left numb and only for 30 minutes or so. In the end I did it all natural which was completely different from my labour with Ethan. The following morning I had a follow up as I was expierancing bad headaches because one of the side effects of a failed epidural is severe headaches almost like a migraine. I had a blood patch done which is a reverse epidural almost and I left hospital still in pain with my head but with abundance of painkillers. For about two weeks after I was having migraine like headaches. I couldn't even sit up without crying. Yesterday I had one of those again.  How did I cure it? With caffeine. I was told at the the hospital that caffeine works. They don't really know why but it does. So I've been sat in this heat with hot drink after hot drink to shift a headache caused by an event that took place 3 months ago.

Today I woke up a little down but after a talk with the mr and some cuddles from the kids I was ready to kick the day in the balls. Trying to find fun things to do with the kids gets old really quickly. So I turned to an old favourite, baking cakes. I grabbed my iPod, dock,the toddler and put the baby in her bouncy chair where she could see us and got baking.
It's only one of the children's cake sets but it makes Eth happy to bake.

The hard part is letting the cakes cool before we decorate them as that's his favourite part.

We started Helana on 7oz bottles on Monday before the recommended age but she was barely going 3 hours before feeds. So far she's taking the extra ounce well. I remember Ethan being hungry and having bigger amounts before the recommended age. He's turn out fine so I have no worries about the little one. She's putting on weight well. You just have to lift her to feel that. No giggles yet but already trying to roll over so imagine it won't be long.

It's a new day

I've struggled over the past couple of days and the blog has been my way of coping. Writing it down seemed to take a little weight off my shoulders and help to ease the pain I was feeling. 

I try not to be a negative person but sometimes things just seem to pile up very quickly and that's that and I spend a few days barely able to function. I pull myself together long enough to sort the kids and then fall back into the black hole. 

Today is a new day. I've woken up with a new lease for life. I've got most of the boring chores out of the way already and it's only just gone 8am. Today I'm going to make it fun. It's a day to bake cakes, paint, run and dance. 

The mr has been acting up as senior (supervisor) at work for the past 3 weeks. It's sort of a on the job interview. The current senior who he has been working along side has asked him to do another week as senior and out of the other candidates he is the one he would choose. I'm so proud of him. I don't know if he's too bothered about the job role but if he did get it, it would work out a little better for us. Neither of us earn a huge amount of money but we cope. All the bills are paid, neither of the kids go without and no one goes hungry but a little extra cash would help us to start enjoying life a little more. 

I've been thinking about when I return from maternity leave. If I left my job nod found a new job full time and earnt three times the amount a month I earn now. We would be no better off. Once we'd paid for childcare we would have about the same left each month that we have now. I feel a little stuck in a rut as the kids are still young I have to work a job that is flexible enough to work around them. I just hope once I hear back about some evening classes I'll stop feeling so lonely and have more sense of worth. 

Being a mum is so lonely

It is. I mean it's great you have these little people you raise and help shape them into the person they'll become but it's a lonely job. Sure you have you have the support of your family and friends and of course your partner (if they are still involved) but it seems people forget about you. I may be a mum but I still know how to have a good time. I'd love to go out for the evening and not just be a mum I want to feel alive again. 

Yesterday I had a pretty tough time and today it doesn't seem to have gotten much better. The mr is working the late shift so doesn't get into 7pm (usually 3:30pm) and by that time it's the bedtime struggle. So we won't be able to relax until Eth has settled down which could be an hour or more. I cried this morning because the kids were screaming at me and no matter what I did I couldn't do it fast enough. I also locked myself away in the bathroom to have a cry because I feel so alone and isolated. I keep telling myself that it isn't always going to be this hard but until this phase is over I can't see the bright light. Not every day is like this but recently it seems to have become the norm. It is getting worse. 

So today is a nice bright sunny day. It's a fantastic July day outside but inside my head it's a dark, dreary day. It started out a normal day with the usual wake up curiosity of Ethan. The mr had a lay in whilst I sorted Ethan his breakfast out and I enjoyed my morning cup of coffee. Once everyone was up and fed, washed, dressed and the dog walked we went to visit my parents. Again nothing out of the ordinary. Sunday in this house is family visiting day.  We had fun. My sister made some loom bands (she broke her foot so needs something to occupy her whilst she's off work), my nan got baby snuggles and the mr helped my dad move a washing machine. We left to have dinner at the in laws.
Not my favourite I must be honest but something that must be done. It was here that it struck me. That little thing in my mind that sits there day in and day out that likes to poke me every now and again telling me I'm worthless, you're no good. The thing scratching at me until I take notice. I thought the defences were strong but it broke through. It hit me hard all of a sudden. I don't know why but it did. I don't know why I suddenly felt down or even why I felt down. It felt like I was two different people. The person I was this morning was there screaming to be let out again but the dark mood wouldn't let me. I couldn't open my mouth to talk to anyone apart from a few words. I probably looked like I was being anti social when in reality the words were being held back.
I've always tried to cope and most of the time I've been able to keep a smile on my face in public and around people who don't really understand how bad it is. Today the mask slipped. I couldn't hold it. The mr asked me what's wrong but truthfully I couldn't tell him why I felt like the way I did. I didn't know myself so trying to explain what's up to someone who doesn't understand is really hard. Maybe I need some help. I've tried tablets before but I did not like the way they made me feel. Maybe I need to seek some help because I don't know how much more I can take before I crack.

Why I love doing the food shop online

We first did the food shop with asda online when we had a very young baby and the car was off the road. The first time was a disaster. We choose an 8 hour slot so we waited in all day for the shopping to be delivered and then it turned up late!
Then a few months later we gave it another go all because asda had a offer that you pay £15 and for 3 months you can have any slot at any time or day for free as long as you spend £40 or more. Well as a family of 3 at the time plus two pets it made sense. I could book an early morning slot and get it over and done with. No more dragging the little one around the supermarket early on a Saturday morning to avoid the crowds and no more supermarket tantrums! It's great, I can do the order a week or more in advance and just adjust it up until 11:00pm the night before the delivery is due. Ok so I miss not being able to pick out my own fruit/veg and there have been a few items missing on occasion but these things are easily sorted.
Now being on maternity leave and having two kids and a couple of pets and only a Corsa it makes even more sense to get it delivered. I usually choose a Friday morning slot 8am-10am which suits us just fine because by then the kids have been up for a couple of hours already and it leaves the day free for other activities.
I love food shopping online!

Tattoo!

I did it! It's been nearly 6 years since my last tattoo and I've been craving another ever since. Well when I had Eth I wanted to get one for him but not a birth date or name, something a little more unique. I was toying with the idea of a Mickey Mouse as he loves him but then I thought it's cute now but when he gets older will it still be as nice. Then I fell pregnant with Helana so I couldn't get a tattoo. After she was born (3 months ago) I started looking at designs again. I found one I liked. It's pretty and I loved it. 

Yesterday afternoon after the mr finished work we bundled the kids into the car and off to my parents and drove to the tattooist. I was a little nervous as I was having done on top of my foot. My last tattoo was on the back of my neck and they are supposed to be two of the most painful places to have done. My appointment was with a lovely tattooist called Paris. She is only still quite young (21) but she's extremely talented. She put me at ease and helped me tweak the design slightly so that it fit a bit better in with my existing two. 

The mr got to sit in with me whilst I had my tattoo which I think helped put him a bit at ease as he got to chat with Paris and Adam about the design he would like done. Truthfully the pain wasn't too bad there were times where I could of asked her to stop but I battled through. The only places I really noticed the pain was as she got towards my toes and the very top bit of my foot. It was nowhere near to how I thought it would be. 

Anyway I love it and the mr keeps asking to see it. He's told me it's his favourite of all my tattoos. Even Ethan has told me it's beautiful! 

I think that's my last tattoo for a while but I won't be saying no to another. 

Time for change

I've realised that at the moment I am little more than a mummy. I'm not saying that this is the root of my depression but I feel that it is not helping. Don't get me wrong I love having kids and I know I am extremely lucky but I used to have hopes and dreams. I used to have interests. 

Being a mummy is wonderful and my kids are my world but maybe that's the problem. It certainly is difficult and I have the support of a wonderful partner and he's a fantastic dad but there are still days where I would love just to shut the door on the kids and be the person I once was. 

I've written a list of things that is like to do. 

Travel (anywhere and everywhere doesn't even have to be to other countries)

Go back to education (I've got a couple of A levels but I always hoped to take them a little further)

Take more time for myself (it's all too easy to forget about yourself when you have kids)

Read the classics (I own quite a few but have never really got around to reading them.)

Broaden my horizons (I feel secluded and quite set in my ways)

Get back into photography (I've always had an interest in it but when you're juggling a baby and a toddler some things get pushed to the sidelines)

Write more (I used to write all the time. I've got pads full of short stories. The mr even suggested I write a children's story as I'd "be good at it")

Get my confidence back (since the kids came along my confidence has been knocked)

Make new friends (I lost a good friend of mine in April to cancer and even though we never really hung out we were there for each other. We could chat about anything when we saw each other. I was there to help him with his problems and he was there to help me with mine. We grew up together and he'll be forever in my heart) 

Another thing, I've never had a desire to have a career. I have never really known what I wanted to do. However I would like to change job more because I get bored and I've been at my current job for 4 1/2 years. However I want to do this for myself not for anyone else. The in laws seem to take great pleasure in telling me I NEED a new job. Then again that's another story that I may have explained before. 

A letter to depression

For fuck sake! I think I'm doing well then all of a sudden it comes back with a massive smack in the face. 

Fuck you depression! You come along making me feel shit about myself. Making me feel like I've achieved nothing. I wish I could shove you away but I can't because you're always there at the back of my mind ready to strike when I'm starting to feel right about myself. When there's sunshine you're the big black cloud hovering above. I've had enough now I just wish I knew how to get rid of you. 

Holiday

What a week. We spent the 4 days at Kiln park holiday park in Tenby, South Wales with the in laws. All 6 of us in a caravan with paper thin walls. I mean they were that thin that you could hear everyone turn over in bed. 

The holiday was nice but I've come home feeling like I've not been away. There have been fall outs and I've learnt a few things as well. On Tuesday they decided we should go to the beach. I said before we went that we would never get the pram down the path as it was sandy. I was ignored and then when we got there I had my worries realised when we could get the pram anywhere as it was getting stuck. A man and his family on their way back told us it doesn't get easier on the beach as it's soft sand and they had the same problem as us. That was that then  I volunteered to take Helana back to the caravan whilst everyone else went on the beach. The mr came back to give me a hand but unbeknowst to is the in laws decided to also come back. I was accused of making it awkward for everyone (I wasn't as I said I'll go back) and I was reduced to tears. I stayed back with the little one whilst everyone went off. I later found out that Ethan had been playing up and was told "if you don't calm down then your mummy won't let you come out again." This explains why he's always a little devil when he returns from theirs. Seems I'm made out to be the nasty mummy that never lets him do anything exciting. Great! 

We went into the local town the next day without the apology I was owned. Whilst there we spotted a couple of Ethan's favourite disney Pixar characters. Mater and Lightening McQueen. 

Also picked up a few presents for the folks back home although the brother and sister in law nearly didn't get anything as it seems the father in law wasn't keen on spending money out to get them anything. The mr and myself went back and got them something instead. 

Some of the views were amazing. 

*Castle rock on Tenby beach*

It's a shame we didn't get to really see much else apart from the caravan park and beach as they had some really cool local attractions. Maybe we'll do that if we ever visit Tenby again (without the in laws) 

*Helana flat out*

*The mr*

I couldn't wait to get home. I really appreciate my privacy after those few short days with none. 

Holiday and school run snootiness

We go on holiday on Monday. I'm so stressed about it. It will only be for four days but the kids will need more than four changes of clothes in case of accidents. It's going to look like we are moving home with the amount of stuff we will have to take. Then there's getting the family up ready to be out the door in the early morning. I might just send them off without me so I get a bit of a break. I am looking forward to our first holiday in four years, ice creams on the beach and fish and chips. I'm looking forward to sand castles and even the high chance of rain. Let's face it we're going to Wales it's going to rain. I'm not really looking forward to sharing a caravan with the in-laws though. I'm going to feel like I'm on holiday with my parents and I'm a kid again. I hope the good things will out weigh this little issue.

The little girl turns three months old on Sunday. I don't understand where the time has gone. She's just about bursting out of her 0-3 range of clothes but thats ok because shes got some really nice outfits for 3-6 months and I can't wait to see her in them. This holiday will be her first time in a pool. So I hope she loves the water just as much as Eth does.
This will also be the first time I will be wearing a swimsuit since before I fell pregnant last year. I'm not usually a self conscious person but for some reason it's really starting to bother me. What if I just look repulsive? I keep being told that its silly to feel such a way but for some reason after having Helana I've become a bit more self conscious. Pregnancy changes the body in ways you can't imagine. Some aren't physical many are mental.

I've had to rebook for my tattoo as my understanding of when we would be back home from our holiday was wrong. I thought we were back on the Thursday even when in fact it won't be until the Friday evening. So instead of coming home from holiday and getting a new tattoo I know have to wait until the following week. I'm a little disappointed but none the less excited. The Mr now wants a tattoo. However the design he wants would be a two day sitting and cost him £230. I think he was shocked by how much it would cost. He keeps asking me how bad the pain is and as I keep explaining it differs for everyone. He doesn't seem to handle getting hit in the face by the lil man well so I'm not sure he'd be able to handle it. I'd be there to support him though none the less.

The lady that made Ethan's birthday cake has been a family friend for years and is my step-mum's old boss.

We did not get it until the day after Ethan's birthday as my sister's trip to A&E caused a bit of a delay but none the less we had one happy boy when he saw it. On the plus side it gave him a chance to celebrate his birthday over two days.

Ethan enjoyed his second day at school.  Again he went in without a hug or kiss just walked straight into the classroom and had to be told by one of the teaching assistants to say goodbye. He also didn't want to come home. I had to pick him up and leave. I'm glad he's like that and not upset about being left. As of September he will be attending school three hours a day for five days a week. I'm positive he will settle in well. I expieranced a bit of mum snootiness at the school gate when I dropped Ethan off. I don't know why mum's feel they have to look down on other mum's surely we should be looking out for one another. Sure everyone judges but please keep it to yourselves. Besides who said I wanted to join your little group. I grew out of that when I left school.

I've brought Helana's outfit for the wedding next September already. I couldn't resist. As soon as I saw it I knew it was the right one. I've also started buying bits for Ethan's. The kids are easy to buy for. They only get taller unlike us who get wider if we aren't careful.
The wedding dress trying on went really well. It fit perfectly. No alterations needed just a little bit of customization. Can't wait to try it on again in September. I've even seen the perfect shoes.

The Mr asked me last night how I was feeling. What he meant was do I feel anywhere as depressed as I did after having Ethan. The truth is no. I don't. I know it's still early days and yes there are days where I feel I could shut the door and go sit in the garden until both kids calmed down but I don't have the days where there is nothing but black clouds hanging over me. I still occassionally snap and we end up fighting with each other but I think the Mr understands much better this time around. He usually just lets me get on with it until I calm down enough and apploigise. We're working through it.

Baby boy becomes a lil man

So today my baby boy turned three. Today was the first birthday that he had been excited about as today was the first time he understood what a birthday was. He's not new to the idea of presents. I think it amazed him slightly that you have a day that you can call your own and you get presents just for being born. 

We spent the morning opening presents and having birthday boy tantrums. Then auntie Natalie came bearing a bag full of gifts. Cue super excited Ethan who felt eating breakfast would only get in the way of presents. One stressed mummy later and I gave in no breakfast for Ethan today. 

We eventually managed to get ready and visit the adventure farm. We had yet another tantrum over sun cream (he hates the stuff) and then we were on our way. 

We were lucky enough to have a 2 for 1 offer voucher which got the four of us (baby was free) in for £17 with a bucket of animal feed. As Ethan is over 2 he would of been adult price and it would of cost us £32. A great time was had by all until the Mr got his hand bitten by a pig (serves him right for taunting it) and my sister nearly broke her ankle at the soft play part. One trip to A&E later and it's just a really bad sprain. 

Family came to visit in the evening with lots more presents and he had a great time playing with them. He even got to stay up way past his bedtime! 

Now he's safely tucked up sleeping soundly ready for tomorrow and his second visit to school. I spent all of Sunday night struggling to sleep worrying about his first time away from me with strangers but there was no need. When I dropped him off he took the teacher's hand and walked straight in barely a wave and certainly no hug and kiss. When did he grow up? Before I'll know it he'll be going on nights out and I'll be kept awake until I hear the front door go. I just hope he never gets too old for cuddles. 

Busy times and being myself

Eth is going to be three on Tuesday! It's crazy how fast time is going. I look at his sister and I can't believe he has gone from that small and relying on me for everything to the independent little boy he is now. He's not a baby anymore and as he keeps telling me "he's a big boy". For a birthday treat we brought him a couple of goldfish which he named Nemo and Fishy. He is absolutely over the moon with them. I mean we already have a dog and a cat but the goldfish are his favourite at the moment as they are his and only his. They live on the side in his room in the scooby doo tank which he chose himself. 

(Nemo is the very bright orange one and Fishy is the orange and White one. )

So tomorrow (Monday) Eth has his stay and play place at nursery. I can stay with him for the two hours but I'm starting to think it would be better to drop him off and come back later. Maybe I could use the time for some mother and daughter bonding or even take a trip into town to pick up some last minute birthday things for him. I thought is be much sadder to see my little boy go off to nursery but instead I can't wait for the break three hours a day will give me. Most likely shed a tear though when I drop him off. 

It's funny since becoming a mummy I cry much more often then I did before. Not even at times when I'm upset. Sometimes just because I'm so proud of something the kids have done. Maybe it's because even though I've always worn my heart on my sleeve since I bece a mummy my emotions are much nearer to the surface. 

Helana has her second lot of injections tomorrow. I always feel sorry for the babies when they start having injections. It's necessary of course but they look upon you as their world and trust you so deeply that as soon as the needle pierces their skin they have a look that makes me feel I've let them down. However after a few seconds of screaming and a cuddle they're fine again. 

Well I've had my wedding dress for a while now and today I'm finally going to put it on. When Hayden proposed to me (four years ago this September) I knew what sort of dress I wanted. So when I saw one going at a fantastic price I snapped it straight up. I was luckily enough when I was pregnant that the only weight I gained was Helana and all baby related (proved at the 8 week check up). Completely different story with Eth however. Throught out this pregnancy I was still wearing my jeans from before I got pregnant. In fact I was the same size apart from just having to buy a couple of maternity tops. Anyway I went a little off topic there but the most important thing is I'm trying my dress on today! My sister and stepmum are coming over to help me out. Unfortunately the mum in law can't make it as she had previously made plans. I've already seen some shoes I really want to go with it. 

Neither of us are very traditional so the wedding won't be too traditional. 

The rings came on Tuesday. They are perfect. Hand made, unique and just what we wanted. In fact, H wants to wear his now but of course I told him he can't. It might seem like we've got a lot done when we aren't getting married until next September but to us it made sense to get things while we see them. That way next year there won't be too many big things to do. September is already going to be stressful enough with Eth starting school full time. 

Talking of weddings, I'm now able to go away with H in October to see him be the best man for his brother at his wedding. My parents are very nicely going to have the children for the 4 days we are away so I don't have to pull Eth out of nursery. I also don't think a 6 month old would do too well on a plane. Especially with the amount of stuff you have to take anywhere for a baby. 

I'm already stressed out about the amount of stuff we're going have to take away with us for a four day trip to wales next week. 

I'm finally going to be getting my next tattoo very soon. I've already got two and have wanted another one for ages but something has always seemed to get in the way. H isn't so keen on me having another one but at the end of the day it's my body and I had my tattoos before he met me so he knew what he was getting himself into. I think maybe he worries what people we say. He says he's not bothered but sometimes I think he worries over silly things. I'm not bothered if people don't like it, it's the person who I am so why hide it. I feel like I can't always be the true me especially around his parents but why should I hide? His mum describes me as liking 'dark things'. I don't even know what that means.  Besides after having Helana I feel now is the right time to get another one. This is the sort of design I want but not exactly the same.

I've asked the artist to tweak it a bit so it fits in with my others. I'm don't usually like tattoos to represent your kids but this just seemed perfect to me. One is going to be coloured blue, one pink and the one in the middle purple. Mummy bird and her two babies. :)

A few busy and exciting months ahead. 

Time moves so quickly

We were invited up to the school where Ethan will be attending nursery from September. It's such a nice little school. More like a village school compared to a school situated right in the middle of town. There will only be 19 children in his class so nice and quiet with plenty of one on one time. The only thing I worry about is Ethan becoming bored very quickly. They said they teach the kids to count to 20 and learn social skills among other things. Well Ethan has always been very sociable and can already count to 12. I was worried with him being at home with me most of the time that he wouldn't interact very well with other children but it seems I was wrong to be worried. The other day at the park he ditched his grandad and went over to a little girl 2 years his senior, took her hand and spent the rest of the time walking around holding hands with her. Such a little Romeo. It's just a shame his best mate moved away. 

I'm looking forward to Ethan going to nursery 3 hours a day not just for him but for myself. I'm in the right frame of mind to go to mother and baby groups this time around. This will give me some time to go and make some mummy friends :). 

So H and I are celebrating our 5th anniversary this weekend. It doesn't seem like we've been together that long. Usually I much more prepared and would of brought his gift weeks ago but with the arrival of the little one I'm a little bit disorganised. I don't even know what to buy for him. Luckily he's off for a few days so I can vanish for a couple of hours and nip into town and try to find something. We are child free Saturday so we can really celebrate. I might take him to the manor house where they filmed some of batman as he's a massive batman fan. Failing that maybe just a wander around with a bit of shopping thrown in. 

When you're younger and your parents tell you not to wish your life away because time moves so fast you don't believe them. However when you grow up and have your own children you realise just how true it is. One moment they are a baby and rely on you for everything the next they are running off and leaving you behind. Not that it's anything to be too sad about. 

Wow! The invites have all been sent out in the post. Evening invites were posted by the lovely other half this morning on his way to work. 

I can't believe it everything has been sent out. We've already had a few RSVP's. Amazing! 

I get so excited when I think about it and a bit teary. Just so overwhelming. 

I am now able to go to the brother in law and future sister in law's wedding in October. Yay! My wonderful parents are going to have the children so we don't have to take Ethan out of nursery and disrupt him settling in. I'm so happy I get to be there for them and also to see H be his brother's best man. 

Speaking of Ethan he now uses the toilet!  I'm so proud he's only been using the potty since Saturday and now he's using the toilet and wearing big boy pants! I can't believe he has taken to it so well. I thought we'd never crack potty training and he's not 3 until next month! Super proud mummy. 

Potty training

We started to give potty training another go when we got in from town Saturday morning. We'd tried a few times before but Eth always had a meltdown as soon as you mentioned the word 'potty'. This time was no different. As soon as the nappy was off and he was presented with the potty he had a 45 minute meltdown. Eventually we got him to calm down and left him to it. We kept asking if he needed a wee and each time it was a no. Then out of nowhere he started crossing his legs so again we asked him if he needed a wee and pointed to the potty. He went over and missed to begin with but managed to get the rest of it into the potty. Success!! From then on he would go and sit down and have a wee each time we asked him. By the end of the day he was starting to take himself to the potty without us asking. Sunday we had a meltdown again but by the end of he day he was again taking himself over and having a wee. Today (Monday) I've barely had to ask him if he needed to go. He's gone on his own (one accident) and he even managed to have a poo on it! Amazing! I am such a proud mummy right now. If only someone would give me a sweetie when I went to the toilet. 

Slight side note. Things are looking great with the photographer for the wedding and the day invites are in the post :)

The little girl is growing fantastically and her eye is being sorted after being passed around several times and told to wait for her 8 week check up it turned out she needed antibiotics since day 1. 

I originally started writing it to help ease the boredom and post natal depression I was suffering when I had my son. Now I don't really see the point in carrying on writing it. I don't feel the same way I did back then. I don't feel depressed on the same level I did back then however I still feel depressed. I will not be going back on any antidepressants but I need a way to cope. Unfortunately I'm stuck in a rut. I didn't drive when I had my son but I do now however I rarely have my car because the other half is always pinching it to go to work. So I'm stuck in when the weather is rubbish which is most of the time. None of my friends have children so I feel a little excluded from most things. I am grateful for my children and that I had them in my early 20's but it also meant I feel like I put my life on hold to have them. Originally I was going to go off to university and experience that part of life but things got put on hold and then I met H. Then of course I didn't want to go anywhere. I'd had previous relationships but none on the same level as how he made me feel. I couldn't stop thinking about him (still can't 5 years on), he made me laugh like no one else, I could act like myself around him and he was just the best person. Things got serious quite quickly and we got engaged a year after we started dating and a month after the engagement we found out we were expecting our son. Then after he was born post natal depression hit and our lives were turned upside down. I wasn't the same person. I was overly protective of the little one to the point I didn't like anyone having him, I was always short tempered and snapped at H on a regular basis, I barely slept and we very nearly split up because of it. It's a funny thing, PND, it sort of creeps up on you. Everyone tells you the reason you feel these things is because you're a new mum and experiencing the 'baby blues' it's so much more than a hormonal imbalance for those first few days after birth. It takes over your life. It almost possesses you, it pushes the person you were aside and in your place a monster takes over. It's not something overly discussed. It's almost brushed over at anti natal appointments. Once you mention you suffered with PND after your pregnancy people start discussing it and the amount of people that have suffered with it is unbelievable. It is a secret illness that needs to be out in the open more. I felt ashamed to have suffered with it. I believe I still suffer with it but I have found ways to cope better with it. I'm not sure you actually ever get over it. I feel it stays with you and you don't necessarily get the old you back but you learn to enjoy life more and ways of letting the smallest things not bother you so much. I still have 'relapses' where something H does will set me off but before where I would hold a grudge for hours I will now say to myself "Stop it. If only you could see how silly you are being." It works. I'm scared of getting 'sick' again but I just hope that if it did happen I'd be able to come out the other side smiling.

Peace and quiet

All I can hear at the moment is the neighbour mowing her grass and the washing machine on its spin cycle. It's so peaceful because my sister and her fella have taken Eth out into town while I took the lil lady for her first set of jabs. I can't believe she's already 8 weeks old! 

I've been trying to keep busy with wedding planning but I find it almost unsettling when my little man isn't at home. I'm so used to him saying "mummy" and not wanting anything (I think he does it sometimes to just to wind me up)

I guess this is what it going to be like when he starts nursery in September. Oh how many things I'm going to be able to get on with. I'll be able to catch up on my reading and blogging and just general relaxing. 

New baby and wedding planning!

Its been a very long time since I updated. I've now had the baby and she is already 8 weeks old (this Sunday). 

Time has really flown by. I can still remember when we found out we were expecting again. It was an ok pregnancy. I didn't get a chance to rest up like I did when I was pregnant with the oldest. Having a toddler and being pregnant was not fun at all. I occasionally got a nap in when he was watching toy story or cars. (Can you say obsessed?) 

I worked up until I was 8 months. It was hard. I was ready to start my maternity leave towards the end. I was so uncomfortable and we didn't have a carefree pregnancy. 

At 14 weeks I suffered a really heavy bleed and after calling the midwife and being passed around back and forth we eventually got an appointment. We rushed up there toddler trailing behind to be told that at 14 weeks there is nothing they can do and if it's what nature wants then it will happen. Not the most encouraging information. However the midwife tried to find a heartbeat with the Doppler and thankfully she did! We were so relived. 

Then at a midwife appointment towards the end of the pregnancy we mentioned that we hadn't felt the baby move much in the past 24 hours and we were rushed up to the hospital to be put on a monitor. Thankfully as soon as they started charting her movements she wouldn't stop moving! We were so happy although maybe left feeling a little silly. They were really nice about it and told us not to worry as that's why they're there. 

I went overdue and had to be induced (something I was dreading) but after fearing another 3 day labour it only took 8 hours from being put on the drip until she arrived. There was even a trainee midwife who helped deliver (and I might of held on tight to) who I had known since she was at least 5 as she was in my sister's year at school. 

So on the 6th April 2014 we became a family of 4. 

 

After we registered the latest addition to the family it really hit home that we didn't share the same name. In the hospital and for several days after she had the same last name as me. It felt amazing but as soon as the birth certificate was signed she became someone else. This is when I realised it was time I stopped dragging my feet and started planning our wedding we'd put on hold 4 years ago. Considering it is not quite June yet (will be on Sunday) we've managed to secure a venue for both the ceremony and reception, book the registrar, buy my dress, order the rings, order the invites and book a meeting with a photographer! I'm impressed with us especially as it's been fitting it in around feeding the kids, changing bums and feeding myself. I have to admit the last one has taken a back seat on occasion. 

The wedding isn't even until next September! I've even got my eye on a bouquet I like that isn't traditional and I can buy now. Thankfully I'm a very organised person so it's pretty easy to sort things doesn't mean I'm not getting stressed out though.