Great news

Well it didn't take long. I'm pregnant! About 1-2 weeks. 

I've been taking tests on and off for a while as I was a little impatient to say the least. All were negative until last night. I don't know what made me take a test and to be honest I was expecting to see the one line but was surprised when two lines appeared. I took another two after just to make sure. All the same result, positive! 

Wow!

We've only been trying for a month and here we are. We are very lucky. I was in it for the long haul. 

I slept on it and decided to take another test this morning just to make sure I didn't dream it. Nope it's was there clear as day. Pregnant. They were early tests so I knew I was only very early gone so we brought a clear blue digital test with conception indicator and there on the digital screen were the words, pregnant, 1-2 weeks. 

I can't believe it. 

2 years gone by

So Ethan turned two yesterday. I know people always say time flies etc but in truth it does.I spent most of yesterday looking on in amazement that my baby has now grown into a independent toddler who loves nothing more than going off exploring.

He was born after a 3 day labour. Yes I was in labour for 3 days! The medical team were starting to get worried and there was talk of being rushed down to theatre if he didn't arrive soon. The midwife who delivered Ethan had stayed over her shift so she could be there to see him brought into the world safely. Thankfully I didn't need a c-section and instead he was born via vontouse at 5:37am.

We celebrated by taking him for a explore around our local national forest centre. I can happily say he enjoyed himself and as a result slept for 13 and a half hours last night.

Now here's the big thing. We're trying for another baby. It's only been a week but I'm starting to get stressed out about it. We aren't taking temperatures or anything like that but instead we're doing it the old fashioned way and letting nature take its course. It's just a lot of pressure once you start trying.  Kind of takes the fun out of things. It was so easy when we conceived Ethan. Here's hoping I'll have some good news soon.

Growing so fast

So the little man will be two years old in just over two months.
Where has the time gone? It only feels like yesterday when he was born. Now he is so independent and clever. I know I'm biased but considering his age he is already talking and forming sentences. He's in to everything which brings on the tantrums. Yes he's reached the terrible twos early.
He can be very testing sometimes especially as I work evenings and have him all day I can sometimes have a bit of a short temper. However we always make up and have a bit of a cuddle after we've clashed. Problem is we are very similar.

As he is very nearly two we are thinking about having another. Both H and I grew up with siblings and we want that for our son. Is it easier than everyone thinks to raise two or is it just as exhausting as it seems? Some days I just want to lay on the sofa and let him get on with it. This is down to my depression but the truth is I don't and we play together and it's great.

He's my shining light.

So...

I've not blogged recently but due to working loads and having a VERY active toddler I've had no time to think let alone to myself.
I'm still pretty down in the dumps with my depression but I'm trying to tackle the things that really set it off. For example my job, I don't enjoy it and the pay is awful. So I'm looking for a new one. However we are thinking about trying for a second baby which would mean if I swapped jobs I would not be entitled to maternity leave. So I'm considering sticking my current job out then moving on after I return to work.
I drive now so this makes future job prospects brighter.

I can't say Eth's dad and my relationship is perfect. There are some cracks but we are both trying really hard to fix them and not just 'smooth' over them. Date nights are really important but trying to find the time is harder than expected. Weekends are the only possible time we have but sometimes finding someone to have the little man can be hard. Hmm if only there was a magic fix.

Depression in my words

People keep commenting that I look down and asking what's up? How can I tell them that there isn't really anything "up" but I'm finding it hard to cope.

Depression doesn't want you to get out of bed in the morning. Every morning I wake up and I don't want to get out of bed. Not because I'm tired just that I can't get out of bed. I know that the day will hold all the same things yesterday brought. I find it hard to face the day. The only thing that usually gets me through is Ethan. He's the one reason I get up in the morning. I can't let him down.
I work evenings most of the time and being taken away from my son tears my heart in two. I've been back at work since last April but the feeling hasn't subsided. If anything it's got worse.

Depression is like a big black hole that keeps sucking you in. It's not as simple as just "snapping out" of it. Which I have been told to do by several people. It makes me feel worse as I can't break out of the mood. I find it harder to cope at work than at home. I just can't seem to keep the mask up for long whilst at work and I find it slipping. I usually just go and hide for a bit. (I work in a cinema so this makes it easier.) However I know a few people think I'm being antisocial or even lazy but it's just because I can't bear to be around people and bring them down too.

I've been on medication but I didn't think they helped.

I've told a few people but most don't understand and try to offer advice. Advice that isn't helpful. I'm grateful that they try but if you don't suffer or know someone who suffers from depression there's not really anything anyone can say.

Decisions to be made

The lil man is now 18 months old (1st Jan) and the time has come to talk about having another little one. I've got some concerns though.

How will I cope with two children? Will I be able to bond with a second as much as I managed to bond with Eth? I have passed my driving test. Will this get in the way? How will I manage to potty train Eth and cope with a newborn?

What if my PND becomes worse and I can't cope?
This is my main concern. It's bad enough when Eth catches me crying and wipes my tears away. It should be I who wipes the tears from his face not the other way round. His face is full of concern when he sees me crying and most of the time I do it when he's not around but sometimes it just takes over.

H has no concerns. He wants to be a dad again. I wish I had his confidence and didn't worry about any of this.

Don't get me wrong I would love a sibling for Eth. I've always wanted two kids but how can I get over my fears?