The differences between the 1st and 2nd child

So it's quite obvious that there will be differences between your first and second child. Not only their personalities but also how you handle the same situation.

Ethan rolled over at 6 months, cut his first tooth at the same time, crawled at 9 and walked at 13 months. Helana is now 10 months old and has only mastered the rolling over so far. She is mobile and is pushing herself around on her bum to get where she wants to go and as of yesterday she is standing confidently. In fact a little too confidently as we had our first big bump.  She was holding on to the table when she decided to try one handed. It didn't end well as she fell backwards and bumped her head. Cue tears and screams but all was well. When Ethan had his first big bump I was panicked, I kept an eye on him to make sure he wasn't concussed. I over reacted. This time round it was a cuddle and a few kisses and all was well again.

Oh my the kids are two different people. I knew they would be of course but I look at them and I can see that they will be trouble when they are older. Ethan is very stubborn (his dad) and he likes to get up early (this he gets from me), he likes to know how things work, he's caring, he's very smart and he can be very high strung. Helana on the other hand likes to sleep (dad), she's a happy girly, barely makes a fuss, inquisitive and independent. Of course the kids are a mixture of both of our personalities but a Ethan is a mini Hayd. He looks like him and he acts like him. No denying who he belongs to. :)

By your second child you've already been through the mill and you've pretty much come up against most issues. You know what to do. You can do it with out much thought and when you look back you do laugh at how silly you may have looked as you cried with your little one when they did. This time around I'm the mum I wanted to be the first time. I'm not suffering PND, I'm enjoying life.

Our birthdays came and went with nothing memorable to mention. We had made plans to go for dinner with the kids on the Friday but the eldest woke that morning with a temperature and was generally unwell. The dinner was postponed until the following week. However both I and the youngest had then caught the bug and we weren't up to doing much so we postponed it again. We did go out this past Friday though. It was nice and I do believe the first time we had been out for dinner as a family since the youngest was born.
Ethan had his second parent/ teacher meeting on Friday. We are so happy with his progress. He is a "pleasure to have in class" and a "very caring little boy". He's also very smart and they have no worries about him at all. :)
We were invited over to our friend's house on Saturday to celebrate Richard's birthday. It was a good laugh and took my mind off a few things. Unfortunately both Hayden and I were at work early the next morning so I didn't drink too much (unless you count a huge glass of Gin with nothing but a wedge of lime)  unlike Hayden. He asked me to push him into a bush! He also doesn't remember getting home or some other events that took place. We both woke up the next morning realising we aren't 18 anymore and drinking before a early shift isn't as easy to recover from as it once was. Thank you Lucozade for helping me recover.

Argh!

Argh! This is the best word I can use to describe how I'm feeling right now. It was the Mr's birthday yesterday and of course his parents visited. All was fine, they were late as usual but that's ok it was a special occasion so I'd allowed Ethan to stay up a little later than usual. They arrived, we chatted, we drank tea and Ethan pretended he was the roadrunner (beep beep). It was ok. Once Ethan was in bed (Helena was already asleep as she couldn't keep her eyes open before they arrived) it started. They have decided to pay for new sofas for our joint birthday present. That's great but considering the reason our current sofa is broken thanks to a certain little boy who thought he was superman, I'm a little put off by the idea. Our sofas are used a lot and not just for sitting. They are used to walk the plank, for napping on, as a base away from the lava floor and the odd accident happens on them too. We don't have the funds to put towards new sofas because we are paying off our very overdue wedding. Both kids are at the age where sofas are nothing more than playthings and will take a beating. I'm ok with that. It doesn't bother me if people come over and see our broken sofa. At the end of the day it was broken making memories. That's the most important part. We have decided to give in though as we feel we have no choice and I'm fed up at being nagged at by my 'soon to be' in laws. 

The other thing that was mentioned is my job again! This always comes up. For some reason they feel the need to job hunt for me. I'm not job hunting myself. I currently work more hours over the weekends then I did when my availability was 6 days a week. It works well for us. Both of us are at home of an evening to put the kids to bed. We can eat together, I'm not coming home after 10pm to eat my tea then go to bed after not seeing or talking to the Mr all day and this going on all week. My wages have increased and the biggest reason not for me to go anywhere at the moment is I'm enjoying my job. I love working weekends. I love seeing kids come to watch their first film and all the excitement that goes with it. I've always worked customer service roles. Sure I moan about the general public, there are some people that really need to check themselves before entering the building but I love the characters I come face to face with. I've met some lovely people in my job. One lady told me that when I go home to kiss my children and cherish them. I didn't know this lady and I've not seen her since but I did what she said. There's an autistic boy that comes in most weekends and he's such a darling. He always tells you a random fact when you see him. I look forward to him coming in as he brightens my day. 

Sometimes I think about working in an office environment but I think I'd miss the public. I've had two jobs in 9 years. I obviously don't feel the need to change jobs. I don't know what it is with my in laws deciding for me that I need to change my job. 

If I decide to change jobs in the near future I'm sure I'll let my in laws know but currently I'm happy where I am. 

We are finally chicken pox free! The littlest is dried up and the scabs are starting to fall off. Ethan has no scabs left just the marks as to where they were. Unfortunately as he has picked a couple off that look like they have scarred. I hope that as he is only 3 and a half that with time they will fade. So a healthy (almost) household.
Since going back to work I have been extremely tired. There's been evenings where I've had to retire to bed by 8 o'clock. Before children I used to work 14 hour split shifts, finish at 5am and be back at work before lunch time the next day and still manage to have a social life. Now I'm in my pajamas by 5pm! I don't want to sound like I'm moaning because I love being a parent and I actually do enjoy my job but I think I might of been burning the candle at both ends. Thankfully I have Sunday so my plans are for a huge amount of family time. I've not seen my parents in 3 weeks and they only live a 10 minute drive away.
The return to work was a very easy one. I didn't feel anxious or sad that I was leaving the kids at home (with their dad) all day or worried how he'd cope. Instead I found it empowering that I was going to be someone other than Ethan and Helana's mummy. I even enjoyed being away from the kids for a few hours a day.
There is a new CEO at our company and he seems great. He cares for the staff in a way that is new to me and wants to keep the staff on instead of accepting a high turnaround. We are now paid 30p higher than the national minimum wage and he has promised to raise our wages a further 10% by the end of the year. Yes we are still below the living wage but we aren't struggling and an extra 30p an hour will make quite the difference.
I'm not planning at staying at my job forever and to reflect this I started a online forensics course with the university of Strathclyde through future learn. So far I've not quite finished the first week and I have a little catching up to do but I am enjoying it. I don't know if this is a career path I'd choose though.
It's my birthday next week! I've got nothing planned but maybe we'll try to find the time to actually go out for dinner. The kids are going to hate it when they are older and having to buy presents as it is the Mr's two days before mine. I'm a year older than he is so for two whole days we were be the same age before I roll over in to another year. I've given him a list of things that I wouldn't mind but if he were to get none of them I wouldn't mind. I've asked for a new phone case and a cd among other things but nothing too exciting. To be honest being able to pee in peace would be a great birthday gift.

Christmas and more chicken pox

Ethan's chicken pox had cleared up enough by Christmas Day for us to stick to our original plans. It was the first day in 9 days that he had left the house. In my opinion Christmas Day was uneventful. It's all about the kids anyway and they were spoilt rotten.
I got some nice presents. I was really pleased with the in laws choices for me. There wasn't one thing that I didn't like. This is a major improvement to previous years.
Our new year was a quiet one. We were in bed by ten and I was asleep before midnight although the mr said he was awake by the time midnight rolled around. Too much emphasis is put on New Year's Eve. I've done the celebrating out in town and at parties but I prefer staying at home with the kids, a blanket, a film and some popcorn. Memories being made instead of memories being forgotten.
We were hoping Helana had dodged the chicken pox bullet but unfortunately on New Year's Eve the first few showed up. We are on day 4 right now and they don't look so angry but unfortunately she's got a worse case then her brother. She's covered all over her head and in the nappy area. She can't have antihistamines unless prescribed by a doctor because she's under one but she seems to be coping ok. She's still her happy self and still has her hunger.
I returned to work today after nearly eleven months off. I thought I'd really miss the kids and the day would drag but it was ok. The thing I did find annoying was all the paper work I had to redo and I had to have a induction. I have been working for the same company for five years in march so a little pointless considering not much has changed at all. Oh well I enjoyed myself but I'm very tired now so much so that I am considering going to bed now and it's only 6:35pm!

Chicken pox!

On Wednesday afternoon I spotted what looked like a spot on the little man's forehead and thought nothing of it. It wasn't until I ruffled his hair (which I do often) that I noticed more bumps on his head. I lifted his top up at the back and he had about 4 blisters. That's when I knew he had chicken pox. I face timed my dad who confirmed it. He had the pox!
I've been dreading this day. My sister got chicken pox when she was around 3 so not far of the age of Eth now but even though I was around her all the time I never got it then. Instead I came down with it when I was 17. I was very poorly with it. It took me over a month to recover. Thankfully Eth is fine in himself. He's a little down because he's had to miss the last two days of school but other than that he's happy.
We had a rough night last night. He was up and down all night. I was on scratch watch and there to dry the tears. We're on day three and the ones he had on Wednesday seem to be drying up. New ones have appeared on his face but so far no blisters just red dots.  So far I've only had to use antihistamines, calpol and luke warm baths to help him. I do have calamine lotion in though.
We've got his fingers crossed that by Christmas Day they will be scabbed over so we can stick to our original plans because as it stands we can't visit the in-laws as father in law has a weakened immune system. Thankfully if that happens my dad is more than happy to have us over as everyone at home has had it. I'm not going to lie I feel very stressed out about it all. At least so far none have appeared on the littlest. I hate having to keep brother and sister apart though.
To make light of the situation I've told Eth if he gets anymore I'll join them up and see what picture it creates. He's even been pressing the mild ones like buttons!
If there's one wish I have for Christmas it's for Eth to get better.

It's Christmas time

The Christmas cards have been sent. The decorations are up and there's already too much food in the house and there is still a week to go. It's Christmas!
This is the first year that Ethan has shown an interest in. Helped by the fact that he attends a school based nursery and has been involved in all the festive activities. They designed their own Christmas cards at school that of course as parents are encouraged to buy. We did obviously did and these are the cards we sent out. Maybe to a few people they look quickly put together but they are special to me. He was very proud of his design when I picked them up from the school. They even had the words "designed by Ethan" on the back of the card. Proud mummy moment.
I volunteered to help with a walk to the local church for the nursery to learn about the story of the nativity. I'm not a religious person (never have been) but there is something special about Christmas and the nativity. Do not get me wrong I was sat there thinking this is all hoo hah but the kids enjoyed themselves after they stopped talking about cake! They learnt about the story and what Christmas is 'about' and then they dressed up as characters from the nativity and form the scene. Ethan could not control himself he was volunteering to dress up as anyone including Mary! In the end he got the role of one of the wise men.

The nursery put a Christmas song concert on for the family last Thursday. It was 5 songs sang by the children. One was jingle bells. Ethan had been singing this song for the last month but when it came to the big day he got bored and didn't sing instead he just rang the bell. It was so funny to see. 
This Christmas is going to be special not only is Ethan excited but it will also be Helana's first Christmas and both the mr and I will be at home this year. We've never been both off at this time of year, usually one of us is working Boxing Day which puts a downer on the big day itself when you know you've got work in the morning.
I am officially off maternity and instead on holiday. I return to work the 3rd of January. I feel surprisingly ok about this not nearly as nervous as I was after I returned from maternity with Ethan. I'm sure I'll find it odd to get back into a work environment once again but I'll be around friends so I'm sure I'll cope.
My job isn't looking great at the moment. I'm on a zero hour contract so they can give me any hours they like or lack of. I would like to leave but finding something to fit in around the kids isn't easy. I could put them both in full time child care but then I would be working to pay for the child care and not be any better off. The government wants mothers to return to work but it's not as easy as they make it out to be. You can get universal credit which includes a little extra to pay towards child care but what you get is hardly worth it. I looked into putting Helana in full time childcare 5 days a week and that would cost £600 a month. That's more than our mortgage! Needless to say it's unaffordable and I'm stuck where I am for the time being.

You don't get to choose your family

I lost my maternal grandfather on the 5th November. To say I had any feelings would be wrong. The truth is I didn't know the man. In my 27 years I can count the times I've met him on one hand. My mother left both my sister and I when we were 5 and 3 years of age . She had very little contact since. The truth is I've not seen her for 17 years. She wanted boys and ended up with girls, my parents marriage dissolved and she moved away. She always blamed my dad for the marriage going south but she was the one who walked away. She got remarried, had another daughter and pretended we didn't exist.
I always put on a front that her walking away doesn't bother me but deep down I suppose it does.  Since I've become a mother I find it difficult to understand why anyone would walk away from their children. She knows she's a grandmother and I've given her opportunity after opportunity to meet the kids and close the door on the past but she just doesn't want to know.
It's not just her though that whole side of the family just don't want to know. Sure they add you on Facebook but then all I ever get are games requests. No actual conversation has taken place. So I deleted them. It felt therapeutic, it felt amazing. That baggage gone. I'm through with trying to hold a connection that isn't there.
My mother's youngest sister was the one who let me know that my grandfather had passed away. She's the only one on that side that cares. She went out of her way to find my sister and I because no one would tell her where we were. She's great! There's nothing you couldn't like about her. She spends the summer months travelling around in a yellow bus to festivals setting up shop. Her kids are great as well and they're great with our kids. I'd love one year to travel with them just for a couple of weeks.  I've not seen them for about year but we keep in touch. Unfortunately she lives down south and trying to find the time when we are both free can prove to be challenging.
At least she makes an effort some relatives that live much closer don't seem to make an effort. It's not like I don't include them but it's never returned. The mr tells me it's their loss but I can't help but feel the kids are the ones who are missing out.
I guess it's true what they say you can't choose your family. 

It's been busy

Well where do I start? It's been fairly busy since I last blogged. There was the wedding of the mr's brother to his fiancée. That was a fun but a long four days away from the children. It was nice to have a little time away and most of the time I was ok but I found myself tearing up every time someone mentioned the kids. I also had a disagreement with one of the mr's friends as it seems his view is that a woman's place is at home looking after the kids while the men are allowed to go out and enjoy themselves. That's fine if turns are taken but no one ever says to me 'I'll have the kids while you have some time to yourself'. In fact the only time the kids aren't with me is if we have to run an errand we know will be long and boring.
I'm due to return to work in February but due to money issues I have had to return to work at the end of this month but thankfully I have 4 and a half weeks holiday to take so I won't be returning to work until after the festivities.
We've made some parent friends. Ethan has a 'girlfriend' called Lily and her parents are great. They are a bit older that us but great fun to be around. Lily has already told her mum and dad that she's going to marry Ethan! Best start saving now I guess. :)
Ethan was named 'star of the week' last week at school but he wouldn't tell us why. To be honest he barely tells us anything about school. It's like talking to a brick wall sometimes.
I've been feeling tired all the time recently. The mr reckons it's because I'm busy all day with the kids but I don't know if it's just that.
We had a meeting with Ethan's teacher today. He has trouble understanding sharing but we were told that they aren't concerned as some children have always been in a childcare setting and he's been at home with us on his own until recently. He's very smart for his age and he's always singing. It's nice to see our hard work teaching him to count, colours and singing etc has been recognised. We were told that even though he is one of the youngest members of the class he is advanced academically. He works very hard and has come on leaps and bounds in the 9 weeks school has been back.  We came away very pleased.
The littlest is now 7 months old and can sit unaided. She's not a fussy eater like her big brother but instead loves trying whatever is put in front of her. She's very independent and likes to feed herself. Still waiting for a tooth yet but lots of chewing and red rosy cheeks so it may not be long.
Not much on the wedding front apart from paying things off. Only a couple of months left before the date closes for the RSVP.

School illness and updates

Eth has been sick since the first day of school. He's functioned normally and he's not lost his appetite but last Tuesday I kept him home. He just didn't seem to be getting better. I made a Doctor's appointment for that afternoon. 

We went to see the Doctor and we were told that there is no infection and may take 4-6 weeks for him to get over it. Since then he's had an upset tummy and has been sick this morning. He won't have the day off school though because he's scared he's going to miss something. Looks like we will be going back to see the doctor though. 

Helana had her first 'proper' taste of food yesterday. She's just short of 6 months but all the signs are there. She's ready to begin weaning. We've only tried apple sauce and a few bits of our meals but she's taken really well to it all. 

Wedding planning is coming along nicely. Cake maker is booked. Still got to pay our deposit for the photographer. The caterer is a family friend so that's a nice easy one to sort. Not many things left to sort just to pay off. 

We think we've picked our first dance music as well. That will be a secret that only a select few know about. 

There is now no free weekend until the end of October. Lots of things going on. Mr has got suit shopping with his dad and brother for his brother's wedding this weekend and I'm off getting the very last few things (jewellery) for my outfit. Then he's working the one after. The next one is the wedding. When we come back it's my nan's birthday so pretty busy! 

Oh yeah then there's half term the week after! 

Eth is getting impatient about Halloween. We've decided to take him for his first trick or treating expierence this year. Only going to both sets of grandparents but he's still really excited. He's even told us that we all have to dress up. I can't wait if I'm honest, I love Halloween. 

I've been pretty busy lately with the eldest being at pre school and the illness that comes from it so I've not had the time to update. However I've been suffering from insomnia recently because of some issues that have arose that I have no control over but have upset me and I'm having trouble switching off from them. 

The first being that Eth seems to be acting out at pre school. Each day when I pick him up it seems that his teacher always has something negative to say about his behaviour. I'm not saying he's an angel at home and wouldn't act the way they are telling me but when I ask him what happened I get the other side of the story. It seems that even though his class is only small he doesn't seem to be getting the attention he needs. He's a smart kid and I have been fortunate enough to work a job that allows me to be at home during the day so that I can sit down and teach him things like numbers and the alphabet. However the school he is attending don't seem to understand that what they are 'teaching' him he already knows and is acting out because he's bored. There are some other things that I am not happy about and as parents we have decided to make an appointment with the school to see if we can find out why this is happening. I've even considered taking him out because I feel they are punishing him because he's 3 and one of the youngest in his class. 

Helana has come on leaps and bounds.  She's now pulling herself up from a laying down position. Still no teeth but still lots of chewing. She's also showing signs of being ready to start weaning. She's had a few tastes of some easy to eat items like rusks and wotsits. Things that are easy to gum. 

The mr and I have been talking about trying to have a night a month for just us. We haven't been out together just the two of us since last January. We are never able to switch off because once the school run is done, the kids fed, bathed, ready for bed and asleep we still have a ton of things to do before we go to sleep. I know my brain never rests. I don't know if this why we never get invited to go out or to special events because we have kids. It's really starting to annoy the both of us. It's not a nice feeling when you realise you've been excluded from social gatherings. If given enough notice I'm sure we could arrange someone to have the kids while we go out but we never get the chance. I know I feel 10 years older then I am but we're both only still in our 20's and we would like to enjoy them. 

First week at school

Ethan started nursery on Tuesday. Thankfully Hayd was able to have the time off to see him go to school. The morning was pretty stressful as Eth decided he wanted to have a lay in and with so much to get ready it was inconvenient. Luckily because he was so excited to go to school when I went in to wake him up he was in a happy mood. 

Breakfast was a faff. All eth wanted to do was watch cartoons and he forgot about his breakfast. After much persuasion he eventually ate it. 

About a week before we had a meltdown as Eth said he hated his uniform because it is red and he wanted a blue one. How do you explain to a 3 year old that isn't going to happen. He did relax about it and now is very proud to wear his uniform. 

The walk to school went much better than expected. We were early but because it was the first day of term the school was packed. I didn't go into the school with him once they had lined up because it was too crowded and I had Helana in the pushchair. 

When Hayd came out after settling Eth in he said that he felt like crying. This was the first time he's ever said anything like this. I on the other hand was ok. I know that Ethan is ready for more challenges and needs time away from me. 

We picked him up just before dinner as he only does mornings and he came out so happy and with a sticker. (He's come home with a sticker each day) However he didn't tell us anything he's done apart from the Wednesday as they had a welly whanging day which he seemed to really enjoy. 

He really seems to enjoy his time at school and even woke us up this morning at 5am to go to school. Just a shame it's Saturday!

Vey proud in his uniform

Firsts and lasts

So the time has come for the littlest one to move into her own room. She's not 6 months old until October but she is starting to out grow her Moses basket.
I have mixed feelings about this. We only discussed having two children so this would be the last time this event happens. It marks the end of the newborn stage.
On the other hand she won't be far away and it will be nice to have our own space back.
The eldest starts at nursery in a week! I'm obviously a little sad about it but I'm excited too. I'll have time to devote to the youngest and my time won't be taken up by naughty corners and tantrums. Well not for a while anyway.
We haven't really had to do much to get him excited. Since his stay and play a couple of months ago he's been asking to go back. It's been hard trying to explain the summer holidays to him when all he's wanted to do was go to school. I'm sure this will change as soon as he realises it's not all playing. We shall see though.
As usual the bank holiday has been a wash out so we've spent much of the day in our pjs, under a blanket and watching films. This is the last bank holiday before Christmas! Where has this year gone? Thankfully I'm not due to return to work until the new year which means it's the first Christmas ever that the mr and I will both be at home. We can actually have a Christmas.

Teething already!

Helana has been chewing her fist since she first found her hands at a couple of months old. She is now 4 1/2 months and chews anything like crazy. Her gums are rigid and you can make out a tooth at the front although it has yet to break through. Ethan didn't cut his first tooth until he was 6 months old but it looks like his sister may be earlier. 

I found Teetha crystals worked the best for Ethan when he was cutting his teeth. I also brought him an amber necklace to help deal with the pain. Some people say they're great others don't rate them. I believe they work. However anyone will tell you that I won't reach for painkillers until the pain is unbearable. So I'll try anything else before dosing the kids up. 

I'm not saying that I don't use painkillers at all, of course I do but I believe you need to give your body a chance to deal with it on its own. 

Something else I relied on with Ethan was funky giraffe's bandana bibs. I used to have to change his top several times a day because his dribbling was constant but once we got some bandana bibs that stopped. They say that you don't need to change the bibs as the absorb the liquid but Eth was such a dribbler that some days in had to change them once. Helana has already had to wear hers but she is no where near as bad yet! 

I hope this first tooth won't take much longer. 

Snibston discovery centre and toddler trantrums

After the mr working 7 days last week and not having a weekend we decided to go out for the day to Snibston Discovery centre (after much texting back and forth between the sister in law). It was a bit of a hectic morning getting the kids ready to go out and picking the car up from the parents in law but we made it. After Ethan trantruming because he didn't want to pick his auntie and uncle up he fell asleep which made for a peaceful journey. It was the first time we'd been out with them and I was a little nervous as how they would react to Ethan and his temper. 

Once we arrived he was a different child. Well until we got inside and he was having one of his days where no one could do anything right. Helana on the other was a gem. Didn't make a peep once and would probably slept all day if we hadn't woken her up to feed her. 

I thought the museum was great but I felt like I didn't really have much chance to take part because I was pushing the baby around and trying to calm a toddler. Maybe I'll revisit again either when Eth is a little older or even leave him with his grandparents. That's the thing about being a mum, you put everyone else's needs before yours. 

There were three large crocheted lioness' on display. They were made before the 2012 Olympics and went on your around the UK. www.lionheartproject.com if you fancy reading about it more. 

The fashion gallery was quite interesting. They had all sorts on display. Clothes through the eras, different materials and how they are made and even try your own weaving. 

(Corsets on display)

They even had an original wedding dress from the 1950's which is exactly like mine but a tad longer. Of course I didn't tell the mr that. 

It was a shame we couldn't explore the outside but it was tipping it down with rain. 

I WILL go back another time. 

When we got back home it was time for Helana to discover something. She finally rolled over! Just to prove it wasn't a fluke we watched her do it a further three times! She's not even four months old until this Saturday. A very proud mummy moment. Might of shed a tiny tear. 

This Saturday it's a family BBQ on the mr's side for one of his cousin's 21st. We've had no choice about going. We've been told we ARE going. Joy! I'm a little bit nervous because even after 5 years of being together there is still a fair few of the family in law I've not met. Could be interesting. 

Ramblings

I've been thinking about going to see a medium recently. I don't know if I really believe in that side of things. I wouldn't be going to try to contact someone or even to try to find out what the future holds but instead just to experience it. I've known of a few around the local area but never had the guys to go. At the weekend I saw that a place has opened up right I the centre of town and I'm thinking of making an appointment.
It got me thinking about the times I've experienced something I couldn't rationally explain. I've seen a figure of a woman at my current place of work. That scared the life out of me and since then I've always found a way of refusing to go back to the place it happened on my own. I've also heard a woman in the bedroom say "hello". It felt like she was right up to my face. It wasn't just me who heard it though. The mr also heard it. It wasn't a toy going off because we tried every thing to debunk it.  I'm sure we have a 'extra' living in the house. Sometimes when I'm on my own I feel like there's someone keeping me company. Ethan as a baby used to 'talk' to someone who wasn't there and now Helana has started. Ethan has also greeted someone at the top of the stairs by waving and saying hello.
There's been times when I was growing up that I had some strange things happen. I've always experienced déjà vu (I still do). I've heard voices calling me before when I was younger.
My dad used to be a huge believer and I suppose in a way I was brought up to believe it myself but as I got a bit older I grew out of it and didn't believe but it seems I'm starting to believe again.

The mr has been off for the past two days as he starts a 7 day working week this morning. Is like to say it was filled with lots of exciting things but it wasn't. Instead it was filled with DIY. We started to finish decorating our bedroom a year after we had started it. We've still got two walls to finish painting and all the skirting but at least I've now got somewhere to hang my jewellery. If the swine had been able to have the kids we probably would of had it done by now. 

(My reclaimed spice rack)

Helena is staring to outgrow her Moses basket. So next weekend we are moving her to the nursery and out of our room. Luckily the nursery is off our room so she's not too far out of earshot. When we move in a couple of years I can't wait to have our own room. We've never had our own room. Our bedroom has always accommodated all the things that fit nowhere else. We've lived her 3 years and there has always been a mess in our room. It is the dumping space. 

So Helana actually giggled. I made her giggle. I was so happy I may have shed a tear or two. 

The weather is proving to be too hot for the kids. It's making them really irritable. We've had to stay in for most of it as they have both inherited mine and the mr's pale colouring so they need a ton of suncream but Eth will not put it on. I've not given up but just choosing my battles wisely. 

I've not done anything recently with wedding planning. I'm not at a dead end it's just the invites are sent out and we've had a few RSVP already but until I get a few more confirm I can't really plan the catering although we do have a caterer lined up. No one has declined yet. 

Talking of weddings. I think I've finally sorted out my outfit for the brother and sister in laws wedding. I'm wearing heels! I never wear heels and these are huge! Although I've had a little practice in them already I think I may be taking a back up pair of flat shoes. 

I've still been having a few down moments but I'm trying to get through them the best I can. I think one of the big issues is I feel trapped and I'm lonely. I'm a little restricted as to what I can do when the mr is at work. My sister is out of action since she hurt her foot on Eths birthday. She was told it's broken but then at a follow up appointment this week she was told it's actually tendon damage. She's had a cast for two weeks for no reason. I do know I need to get out and socialise but I don't know where to start. I hope once Eth is at nursery in September it will free up a few hours so I can take helana to a baby group. 

Cakes and quality time

During my labour with Helana I opted for a epidural as she was back to back and I was extremely uncomfortable. The epidural failed. The doctor who administered the epidural slipped in between two vertebrae and popped my spinal fluid which resulted in only the left side of my body being left numb and only for 30 minutes or so. In the end I did it all natural which was completely different from my labour with Ethan. The following morning I had a follow up as I was expierancing bad headaches because one of the side effects of a failed epidural is severe headaches almost like a migraine. I had a blood patch done which is a reverse epidural almost and I left hospital still in pain with my head but with abundance of painkillers. For about two weeks after I was having migraine like headaches. I couldn't even sit up without crying. Yesterday I had one of those again.  How did I cure it? With caffeine. I was told at the the hospital that caffeine works. They don't really know why but it does. So I've been sat in this heat with hot drink after hot drink to shift a headache caused by an event that took place 3 months ago.

Today I woke up a little down but after a talk with the mr and some cuddles from the kids I was ready to kick the day in the balls. Trying to find fun things to do with the kids gets old really quickly. So I turned to an old favourite, baking cakes. I grabbed my iPod, dock,the toddler and put the baby in her bouncy chair where she could see us and got baking.
It's only one of the children's cake sets but it makes Eth happy to bake.

The hard part is letting the cakes cool before we decorate them as that's his favourite part.

We started Helana on 7oz bottles on Monday before the recommended age but she was barely going 3 hours before feeds. So far she's taking the extra ounce well. I remember Ethan being hungry and having bigger amounts before the recommended age. He's turn out fine so I have no worries about the little one. She's putting on weight well. You just have to lift her to feel that. No giggles yet but already trying to roll over so imagine it won't be long.

It's a new day

I've struggled over the past couple of days and the blog has been my way of coping. Writing it down seemed to take a little weight off my shoulders and help to ease the pain I was feeling. 

I try not to be a negative person but sometimes things just seem to pile up very quickly and that's that and I spend a few days barely able to function. I pull myself together long enough to sort the kids and then fall back into the black hole. 

Today is a new day. I've woken up with a new lease for life. I've got most of the boring chores out of the way already and it's only just gone 8am. Today I'm going to make it fun. It's a day to bake cakes, paint, run and dance. 

The mr has been acting up as senior (supervisor) at work for the past 3 weeks. It's sort of a on the job interview. The current senior who he has been working along side has asked him to do another week as senior and out of the other candidates he is the one he would choose. I'm so proud of him. I don't know if he's too bothered about the job role but if he did get it, it would work out a little better for us. Neither of us earn a huge amount of money but we cope. All the bills are paid, neither of the kids go without and no one goes hungry but a little extra cash would help us to start enjoying life a little more. 

I've been thinking about when I return from maternity leave. If I left my job nod found a new job full time and earnt three times the amount a month I earn now. We would be no better off. Once we'd paid for childcare we would have about the same left each month that we have now. I feel a little stuck in a rut as the kids are still young I have to work a job that is flexible enough to work around them. I just hope once I hear back about some evening classes I'll stop feeling so lonely and have more sense of worth. 

Being a mum is so lonely

It is. I mean it's great you have these little people you raise and help shape them into the person they'll become but it's a lonely job. Sure you have you have the support of your family and friends and of course your partner (if they are still involved) but it seems people forget about you. I may be a mum but I still know how to have a good time. I'd love to go out for the evening and not just be a mum I want to feel alive again. 

Yesterday I had a pretty tough time and today it doesn't seem to have gotten much better. The mr is working the late shift so doesn't get into 7pm (usually 3:30pm) and by that time it's the bedtime struggle. So we won't be able to relax until Eth has settled down which could be an hour or more. I cried this morning because the kids were screaming at me and no matter what I did I couldn't do it fast enough. I also locked myself away in the bathroom to have a cry because I feel so alone and isolated. I keep telling myself that it isn't always going to be this hard but until this phase is over I can't see the bright light. Not every day is like this but recently it seems to have become the norm. It is getting worse.